Article Summary:
Many people get so busy that they neglect their friendships—only to regret it later. Strong friendships don’t happen by accident. This article offers a quick friendship checkup tool, plus 11 ways to nurture deeper connection with your friends.
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How are your relationships with your friends?
The quality of your friendships can have a big impact on your happiness and quality of life. Strong friendships bring joy, support, and meaning to your life.
But friendships aren’t always easy to maintain. You may be busy with work and family obligations, or separated by distance.
“…signs suggest that the role of friends in American social life is experiencing a pronounced decline….
Fewer Americans appear to be relying on friends for personal support than they have in the past.”
-American Perspectives Survey*
Here’s a quick checkup to help you see how things are going and where some extra attention could make a big difference.
Friendship Checkup
Evaluate your friendships by giving an honest rating in each area below.
Connection
Connection is the heart of friendship. It’s about being and feeling close, understood, and engaged. Do you feel genuinely connected to your friends? And do they feel connected to you? Are you making time to be together and share experiences?
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Openness
Openness is about sharing your thoughts and feelings freely with each other. Are you comfortable being open with your friends? Do they feel safe sharing with you? Do you listen without judgment and show curiosity about their feelings, perspectives, and experiences?
Honesty
Honesty is the bedrock of trust. Without it, distance and resentment will creep (or explode) into your friendship. Are you truthful and straightforward with your friends, even when it’s uncomfortable? Do they know they can be honest with you? Honesty strengthens trust and connection when it’s expressed with kindness.
Trust
Trust develops over time through reliability, open communication, consistent positive interactions, and ongoing demonstrations of support. Can your friends count on you? Can you rely on them? Small, consistent actions build trust and confidence in the relationship.
Quality of Life Assessment
Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.
Respect
Respect means showing regard for your friends’ feelings, wishes, perspectives, and boundaries. And accepting them as they are—faults and all. In a friendship, you can show respect by:
- listening attentively, without interrupting, and showing genuine interest
- keeping confidences, honoring their trust, and respecting their privacy
- valuing their time and following through on commitments
- acknowledging and honoring their feelings and concerns
Do you honor your friends’ needs and boundaries? Do they honor yours? Mutual respect creates stronger bonds and smoother interactions.
Commitment
Commitment in friendship means showing up consistently and being dedicated to each other’s wellbeing. You can demonstrate commitment by:
- being present, even when life is busy, and making time to connect
- checking in regularly, not just when you need something
- following through on promises
- making an effort to stay in touch, even across distance or life changes
Do your friends know you’re truly there for them? Do they show up for you as well? Commitment over time builds security and lasting bonds.
“I regret letting good friends drift away by not staying in touch.”
-a 41 year-old Cambodian man (cited by Dan Pink in The Power of Regret)
Mutual Support
Good friends are there for each other in tough times. They celebrate successes together. Do you support your friends in meaningful ways when they need help? Are they there for you? Do you have each other’s backs? Mutual support fosters closeness and resilience.
Reciprocity
Reciprocity is about giving and receiving attention, care, and support in a reasonably balanced way. Do you contribute to the friendship as much as you receive? Do your friends feel valued and supported by you? Are you open to accepting their help and kindness as well?
Take the Traps Test
We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.
Authenticity
Authenticity means being yourself and showing your true thoughts and feelings in the friendship. Are you genuine with your friends? Do they feel comfortable being themselves around you? Are both of you showing who you truly are?
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is about being willing to share your fears, struggles, and failures, and allowing your friends to do the same. Do you feel safe opening up to your friends about hard things? Do they feel safe sharing with you? Are you willing to show your fears and flaws?
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.”
-Brene Brown
Fun Factor
Shared laughter and playful moments are the secret sauce of great friendships. Do you actually make time to goof off, have wacky adventures, or fall out of your chair because you’re laughing so hard? Fun isn’t just fluff. It’s fuel. It creates memorable stories, the inside jokes you’ll still be laughing about years later, and the kind of energy that keeps fueling your friendship for years.
Conclusion
Taking time to check in on your friendships is essential if you want them to thrive. Reflecting on things like trust, respect, mutual support, vulnerability, and fun reveals not only what’s working but also where you can grow.
Friendships don’t stay strong by accident. They flourish when we show up with intention and commitment. By acting now, you can nurture connections that bring joy, support, and meaning into both of your lives—not just today but for years to come.
So don’t wait.
What’s one thing you’ll do today to strengthen a friendship?
Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg
“Invest in friends. There is no other instrument that pays such high returns…. We need each other, but perversely we neglect each other. Every day we have an opportunity to exercise friendship, to make huge returns on a tiny investment, but foolishly we relapse into sleep and forgetting. Please take my advice to heart—forget bonds, forget stocks, forget gold—invest in friendship.” -Ronald Gottesman
Tools for You
- Quality of Life Assessment so you can discover your strongest areas and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.
- Crafting Your Life & Work online course to help you design your next chapter and create a life you love.
- Traps Test (Common Traps of Living) to help you identify what’s getting in the way of your happiness and quality of life.
Quality of Life Assessment
Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.
Related Articles
- “The Power of Relationships in Our Lives”
- “The Most Important Contributor to Happiness”
- “Taking Stock of Your Quality of Life”
Postscript: Inspirations on Spouse or Partner and Quality of Life
- “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” -Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)
- “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” -Elbert Hubbard
- “The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.” -Abraham Lincoln
- “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Some friends leave footprints in your heart.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
- “For a friend with an understanding heart is worth no less than a brother.” -Homer, The Odyssey
- “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” -Walter Winchell
- “The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
- “Your friends are God’s way of apologizing for your relatives.” -Wayne Dyer
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” -Henri Nouwen
Appendix: Survey Data on Declining Friendships
In the U.S., some observers have noted that we’re in a “friendship recession.” Here are some of the top findings from the American Perspectives Survey:*
- “…signs suggest that the role of friends in American social life is experiencing a pronounced decline.”
- “Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”
- “22 percent of Americans say it has been at least five years since they last made a new friend.”
- “Fewer Americans appear to be relying on friends for personal support than they have in the past.”
- “Many Americans do not have a large number of close friends. Close to half (49 percent) of Americans report having three or fewer…. The number of close friendships Americans have appears to have declined considerably over the past several decades.”
- “Women are slightly more likely than men are to report being satisfied with their number of friends.”
- “Men are also far less likely than women are to have received emotional support from a friend.”
- “fewer Americans have a best friend today than they once did.”
- “Americans are now more likely to make friends at work than any other way.”
- “…most Americans have a best friend, even if it’s fewer than in the past.”
The report points to many factors at work behind these trends, including: people marrying later, people being more geographically mobile, parents spending about twice as much time with their children (crowding out time for friends), working longer hours, traveling more for work, and more. The report also notes different types of friendships, including childhood, situational, place-based, activity-based, and online-only friendships.
Survey methodology: “The survey was designed and conducted by the Survey Center on American Life. Interviews were conducted among a random sample of 2,019 adults (age 18 and up) living in the United States, including all 50 states and the District of Columbia…. Interviewing was conducted between May 14 and May 23 2021. Interviews were conducted in Spanish and English…. The margin of error for the qualified survey sample is +/– 2.4 percentage points at the 95 percent level of confidence.”
* Source: Daniel A. Cox, “The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss,” Survey Center on American Life, American Enterprise Institute, June 8, 2021.
Crafting Your Life and Work Course
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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!