Article Summary:
These days, it’s getting harder and harder to be fully present with the people around us. Learn what presence is, why it matters, the barriers to it, and how to practice it.
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Do your days feel frenzied, frenetic, and frantic instead of peaceful and purposeful? With packed schedules, endless to-do lists, and all the demands of modern life, you may find it hard to be fully present with the people around you.
What people really want from you when they’re with you is your presence—your full and undivided attention. Signs of focus and care.
When they get it, it’s powerful, in part because the experience of receiving full attention from someone is so rare these days.
What Is Presence?
What does it mean to be present with someone? Presence means being deeply tuned in to the person you’re with. You’re aware of the moment you’re in and what’s going on with you emotionally. It entails:
- being mentally, emotionally, and physically engaged (not distracted or preoccupied)
- listening intently (and without thinking about how you’ll respond)
Being present requires mindful attention. For starters, that means putting down the phone. But it also means silencing your inner chatter about your task list or what’s bothering you. It’s all about focusing on the now.
“Presence is not some exotic state that we need to search for or manufacture. In the simplest terms, it is the felt sense of wakefulness, openness, and tenderness that arises when we are fully here and now with our experience.”
-Tara Brach
The Benefits of Presence
What are the benefits of presence? When you’re actually present with people, it:
- shows respect and care
- creates a climate of safety
- helps them feel seen, valued, and understood
- offers emotional relief to people who feel overwhelmed or unseen
- helps move interactions from surface-level interaction to genuine connection
- builds trust
- improves communication
- strengthens relationships
- deepens intimacy*
- makes gatherings more meaningful and memorable
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence.
How can you love if you are not there?”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
Presence also has positive effects on its giver, not just the recipient. Being present can be an antidote to anxiety. It can enhance your joy and heighten your appreciation of people and things.
Take the Traps Test
We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.
What Prevents You from Being Fully Present?
Why is being fully present with people so freakin’ hard? There are many barriers to presence, including:
- our daily deluge of digital distractions
- emotional overwhelm
- unprocessed stress
- unresolved worries
- incessant cognitive chatter
- reflexive multitasking
Part of the problem is our overly rushed culture. Are you afraid of slowing down and falling behind or missing out on things? And does that keep you bouncing from one thing to another? Is your use of technology and devices sapping your ability to get and remain present and focused?
“In the 21st century, being fully in the present moment is becoming something of a Herculean feat, and we live in a state of near-constant distraction.”
-Charlie Huntington, “Presence: Meaning, Benefits, & Theory,” Berkeley Well-Being Institute
How to Be More Present with People: Stop Phoning It In
Here are eight ways you can be more present with people:
- Recall how awful it feels when people are distracted and not paying attention to you.
- Put your phone away. (Seriously, if it’s nearby, it will pull you into its virtual vortex.)
- Pause and breathe before starting a conversation.
- Maintain eye contact.
- Pay attention to details like the person’s tone and body language.
- Notice when your attention starts wandering and bring it back to the person in front of you.
- Acknowledge their key points and feelings.
- Ask follow-up questions (e.g., “say more about that…”).
Quality of Life Assessment
Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.
Conclusion: A Call to Presence
Presence is becoming harder and rarer in this age of attention hijacking. The algorithms are shrewd. Swiping, doom scrolling, and binge watching don’t lend themselves to deep presence with people.
Being fully present with the people you’re with helps you create more meaningful moments with them. And of course, it costs nothing but time and attention.
Why not show up fully for the people around you? Give them the gift of your time and undivided attention. You’ll both be glad you did.
–Gregg
Tools for You
- Traps Test (Common Traps of Living) to help you identify what’s getting in the way of your happiness and quality of life.
- Quality of Life Assessment so you can discover your strongest areas and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.
- Crafting Your Life & Work online course to help you design your next chapter and create a life and work you love.
Related Articles & Resources
- “Why We Need Meditation and Mindfulness Now More than Ever”
- “This Is How You Can Become a Better Listener”
- “Why Monkey Mind Is Worse than You Think—And What to Do About It”
- “The Power of Relationships in Our Lives”
- “A Quick Relationship Checkup”
- “A Quick Family Relationship Checkup”
- “Check in on Your Friendships”
- “The Power of Dialogue for Leaders and Groups”
Postscript: Inspirations on How to Be More Present with People
- “Life is available only in the present moment.” -Thich Nhat Hanh
- “As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care, and love—even the most simple action.” -Eckhart Tolle
- “We convince by our presence.” -Walt Whitman
* Presence can also help facilitate intimacy and a higher quality sexual connection with your partner. Source: Silverstein, R. G., Brown, A. C. H., Roth, H. D., & Britton, W. B. (2011). Effects of mindfulness training on body awareness to sexual stimuli: implications for female sexual dysfunction. Psychosomatic Medicine, 73(9), 817–825.
Crafting Your Life and Work Course
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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!