self-sabotage

As a human, you’re naturally social. You’re wired to consider how others perceive you. This makes sense, since relationships are key to your well-being.

But this can be a big trap for you. When you’re overly worried about others’ opinions, you might make choices that harm you in the long run. You might avoid the short-term pain of disapproval in exchange for the long-term loss of missing out on better things.

This focus can lead you away from your true self, from your deepest desires, pushing you toward what others want or expect. In the process, you might lose yourself while seeking approval or trying to please others.

These are common traps—and with painful consequences.

When you let outside expectations drive you, it can lead to several problems. For example, you may struggle to communicate openly during disagreements. Setting boundaries becomes a challenge. You may start to work too much and become overwhelmed. Or you might begin to shy away from pursuits that genuinely interest you. You might miss potential opportunities as you focus more on meeting others’ expectations and less on following your own path.

 

How to Stop Caring Too Much about What Others Think: 10 Practices

So, what can you do to break this cycle? Here are ten practices for avoiding this common trap:

1. Increase Self-Awareness: Pay attention to your instincts and inner voice.

2. Define Your Personal Fundamentals: Clarify your personal purpose, core values, and vision of the good life to understand what truly matters to you.

3. Embrace Self-Acceptance: Value your strengths and achievements, while silencing your inner critic.

4. Set High Standards for What You’ll Spend Time On: Take time to evaluate new tasks and requests, ensuring they align with your standards.

5. Gain Perspective: Consider how much others’ opinions will matter in the short and long term versus your own convictions.

6. Experiment with Disapproval: See what it feels like to experience disapproval and assess its true significance (that is, whether it’s really as bad as you originally feared).

7. Boost Your Confidence: You might view confidence as an innate trait, but in truth it’s something you can build systematically by improving and developing mastery.

8. Earn Respect: Understand that setting boundaries and staying true to your goals can earn you respect.

9. Surround Yourself with People Who Accept You As You Are: Avoid people who are constantly trying to change you to fit their preferences. And be sure to return the favor by accepting your family, friends, and colleagues as they are.

10. Enjoy the Freedom of Being Your True Self: Anticipate the power of getting over this common stumbling block and basking in the release from worrying about what others think. Enjoy the peace that comes from trusting yourself.

 

Tools for You

• Traps Test (Common Traps of Living) to help you identify what’s getting in the way of your happiness and quality of life
• Quality of Life Assessment to help you discover your strongest areas and the areas that need work and then act accordingly
• Strengths Search to help you identify your core strengths and determine how to use them more in your life and work

 

Related Articles

• “The Trap of Caring Too Much about What Other People Think”
• “The Comparison Trap”
• “The Perils of ‘Climbing Mode’ in Our Career”
• “The Conformity Trap”
• “Feeling Behind? It May Be a Trap”
• “The Hidden Trap Catching Many High-Achievers”
• “Are You Pretending to Be Something You’re Not?”
• “The Trap of Losing Yourself”
• “People-Pleasing: Why We Do It and How to Stop It”
• “The Trap of Living Someone Else’s Life”
• “The Trap of Workaholism—And What to Do About It”
• “The Power of Authentic Alignment in Your Life”

 

Postscript: Inspirations to Help You Stop Caring Too Much about What Others Think

• “The unhappiest people in this world are those who care the most about what other people think.” -C. JoyBell C., writer
• “The most freeing experience of my life thus far has been to… be unapologetically myself, and to stand in my own light.” -Hannah Rose, therapist and writer
• “Being dependent on approval—so dependent that we barter away all our time, energy, and personal preferences to get it—ruins lives.” -Dr. Martha Beck, Harvard-trained sociologist, coach, and author
• “I was dying inside. I was so possessed by trying to make you love me for my achievements that I was actually creating this identity that was disconnected from myself. I wanted people to love me for the hologram I created of myself.” -Chip Conley, entrepreneur and author
• “So long as you’re still worried about what others think of you, you are owned by them. Only when you require no approval from outside yourself can you own yourself.” -Neale Donald Walsch, author
• “Most people are controlled by fear of what other people think. And fear of what, usually, their parents or their relatives are going to say about what they’re doing. A lot of people go through life like this, and they’re miserable. You want to be able to do what you want to do in life.” -Janet Wojcicki, professor, Univ. of California at San Francisco
• “The problem comes when people are so eager to win the approval of others that they try to cover their shortcomings and sacrifice their authenticity to gain the respect and admiration of their associates.” -Bill George, CEO and leadership author
• “Listen to your heart above all other voices.” -Martha Kagan

 

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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Best Articles or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!