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Beyond the Inner Critic: How to Practice Self-Compassion

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Woman thinking about how to practice self-compassion at conference table

Article Summary: 

You’re often your own harshest critic—judging yourself and speaking to yourself in ways you’d never do to others. Here you’ll discover how to practice self-compassion as a potent antidote.

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When the meeting ended, some people nodded and smiled. But that’s not what stuck with Rachel.

What stuck with her was the prospect’s question she didn’t answer fully. The slide she knew she could’ve explained better. The moment she fumbled for words.

By the time she got back to her desk, she was berating herself:

You blew it. After all that practice. What an idiot.

It didn’t matter that the prospect followed up with interest.

Instead, she replayed her mistakes again and again.

What’s wrong with you?

By the end of the day, she was drained, discouraged, and quietly dreading her next presentation.

But what Rachel needed wasn’t more self-flagellation and judgment. It was self-compassion.

 

What Is Self-Compassion

Compassion is the feeling you get when you’re faced with the suffering of another and you’re motivated to relieve it. With self-compassion, you simply turn that feeling and motivation inward.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research and a University of Texas professor, self-compassion has three elements:

  1. self-kindness: being kind and understanding toward yourself when you’re having negative feelings and not being harsh in judging yourself
  2. mindfulness: noticing your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them, which only leads to further suffering
  3. common humanity: perceiving your pain or discomfort as part of our shared human experience and not falling into the trap of overly dramatizing your pain

When you’re exercising self-compassion, you stop being your own enemy and you start being an ally to yourself.

Sometimes it feels easier to be compassionate with others than it does with yourself. The thought of self-compassion might make you feel undeserving, self-indulgent, or needy. It might summon embarrassment or shame.

Self-compassion may feel unfamiliar to you because it wasn’t modeled to you when you were young. You may have grown up with parents who were harsh and judgmental with themselves and/or others. They have been overly critical of you and made you feel rejected.

In her book Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach notes that you may be in the habit of distancing yourself from emotional pain—things like anger, jealousy, or fear—by “covering it over with self-judgment.” In fact, some people do this their whole lives, often without even being aware of it. And they can be brutal about it.

Self-compassion isn’t about suppressing your pain or trying to will it away. Rather it’s about accepting that you’re feeling pain but treating yourself with care and kindness—and giving yourself comfort and support. (1)

In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Neff busts some common misconceptions about self-compassion. The highlights: It’s not a form of self-pity, and it doesn’t signal weakness. Self-compassion won’t make you complacent. And it’s not selfish or narcissistic.

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The Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion

Self-compassion brings a wide range of benefits. When you practice it, you’ll likely have lower levels of anxiety and depression. It will make you less likely to engage in rumination and less likely to suppress your thoughts and feelings (which can be harmful). Self-compassion can help you address perfectionism. It can make you more likely to learn from your mistakes and to persist through adversity while also enhancing your ability to cope with failure.

Practicing self-compassion can lead to significant improvements in your social connectedness and relationships. It can boost your motivation for self-improvement by avoiding the cycle of negative self-talk, and it can lead to greater overall life satisfaction.

But there are things that can get in the way. According to Dr. Neff, things like self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification can inhibit self-compassion.

 

How to Practice Self-Compassion

The path to self-compassion begins with changing how you relate to yourself when things go wrong. Here are 10 ways you can practice self-compassion:

1. Notice when you’re being critical of yourself. For example, are you calling yourself names or talking down to yourself? (“You’re such an idiot. I can’t believe how stupid you are. You’re so pathetic.”) If you’re like others, it may be when you’re experiencing disappointment or failure—or shame, embarrassment, or humiliation.

2. Shift your perspective outward. Consider how you would respond to a friend in the same situation. Chances are, you’d be far more understanding with them than you are with yourself. Why not take that gentler and more supportive approach with yourself?

3. Be tolerant of your mistakes, flaws, and inadequacies. Recognize that you’re only human, and that nobody is perfect. Remind yourself that self-criticism is not only ineffective but also damaging. Trying to motivate yourself to change by being extra harsh on yourself is a recipe for failure.

4. Engage in positive self-talk. Notice the tone of your inner voice. When it turns harsh or critical, gently interrupt it and replace it with something more supportive. You don’t have to be over the top. Just speak to yourself in a way that’s grounded in reality and fair while also encouraging.

5. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling isn’t unique to you. There are many people far and wide who are probably experiencing what you’re experiencing and feeling the way you’re feeling. We all experience the ups and downs of life.

6. Place your pain and suffering in the larger context of the human journey of challenge and growth. Remind yourself that struggle isn’t a personal failing. It’s part of being human, and something everyone experiences in different ways. When you step back and see your difficulties as part of a shared journey, they often feel more manageable and less isolating.

7. Write yourself a note or letter that extends compassion to yourself. Draft it from the perspective of a friend, family member, or mentor who supports you enthusiastically, loves you unconditionally, and wants what’s best for you. Sometimes there’s great power in putting things down on paper.

8. Practice mindfulness, perhaps by engaging in loving-kindness meditation. Instead of getting swept up in your thoughts or pushing your feelings away, simply notice what’s happening with a sense of openness and curiosity. Practices like loving-kindness help you slow down and intentionally direct warmth and goodwill toward yourself, especially in moments when you need it most.

9. Seek help via therapy, perhaps including compassion-focused therapy (CFT). A skilled therapist can help you recognize patterns of harsh self-criticism and guide you toward healthier, more compassionate ways of relating to yourself. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Having structured support can make it easier to turn insight into lasting change.

10. Engage in prayer. When you’re facing adversity or difficult feelings, appeal to a higher spirit or something larger than yourself. In doing so, you can find a sense of comfort, perspective, and connection that reminds you that you’re not carrying it all on your own.

 

Conclusion

In the end, self-compassion isn’t indulgence. It’s fuel for better living. It can help make you a better leader, parent, friend, and human being.

Self-compassion steadies you when you stumble and keeps you moving forward without the drag of self-judgment. When you learn to treat yourself with the same understanding and care you offer others, you don’t lower your standards; you raise your capacity to meet them.

Don’t expect instant results. It may take time and effort for you to develop this capacity, especially if you have a history of being hard on yourself.

The next time you struggle, pause, soften, and choose a different response. That small shift can change not just how you feel, but how you live.

 

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Postscript: Inspirations on Self-Compassion

  • “When we carry our pain with the kindness of acceptance instead of the bitterness of resistance, our hearts become an edgeless sea of compassion. We… become the compassionate presence that can hold, with tenderness, the rising and passing waves of suffering.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “When we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others.” – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
  • “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” -Christopher K. Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions
  • “…this revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “To cultivate the tenderness of compassion, we not only stop running from suffering, we deliberately bring our attention to it…. as we feel suffering and relate to it with care rather than resistance, we awaken the heart of compassion.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-disgust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect.” -Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
  • “Self-compassion is like a muscle. The more we practice flexing it, especially when life doesn’t go exactly according to plan (a frequent scenario for most of us), the stronger and more resilient our compassion muscle becomes.” -Sharon Salzberg, author and teacher of Buddhist meditation practice
  • “Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.” -Tara Mohr, author
  • “When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care far more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be toward others.” –Eda LeShan
  • “What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love; somehow you must find a way to work at it.” -Rainer Maria Rilke, Austrian poet
  • “How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves.” -Brené Brown, researcher and author
  • “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” -Jack Kornfield, psychologist and Buddhist monk and teacher
  • “The way you treat your own heart is the way you will end up treating everyone else’s.” -John Eldridge, author and counselor
  • “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” -Pema Chödrön, nun and Tibetan Buddhist
  • “If you are unkind to yourself, you will be unkind to others. And if you are negligent of yourself, you will be that to others. Only by feeling compassion for yourself can you feel compassion for others. If you cannot love yourself you cannot love others, and you cannot stand to see others loved. If you cannot treat your own self kindly, you will resent that treatment when you see it in anyone else. If you cannot love yourself, loving others becomes a very painful endeavor with only occasional moments of comfort.” -Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul
  • “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones..” -Proverbs 16:24 (NIV)
“Study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control…. In contrast, self-compassion–being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure–is associated with more motivation and better self-control.” -Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct

(1) When practicing self-compassion, you may experience what’s called “backdraft,” in which your pain increases at first, since you’re letting it in, much like when a fire in a closed space suddenly explodes because fresh air rushes in and ignites built-up gases all at once. But it’s temporary and clears the space for healing.

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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). He has worked for market-leading ventures and given talks or workshops in 8 countries. Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

Breaking the “Trance of Unworthiness”

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Many of us are walking around in a “trance of unworthiness.” It’s a gnawing feeling that we’re deeply flawed. It tells us we’re not worthy of love, happiness, success, or approval. And it follows us around like a shadow.

When I first encountered this provocative term from psychologist and author Tara Brach, it felt like a revelation to me, because I’ve seen it in so many of my colleagues, clients, and students. And because I’ve felt it at times too. Brach describes it as “fear or shame—a feeling of being flawed, unacceptable, not enough. Who I am is not okay.”

“Who I am is not okay.”

Brach tells the story of a dying mother sharing a searing secret with her daughter:

“You know, all my life I thought something was wrong with me. What a waste.”
-a dying mother, told to her daughter (from Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance)

 

The Sources of Low Self-Worth

Feelings of low self-worth (unworthiness) are surprisingly common—and quite destructive. Where do they come from?

According to the research, the sources of low self-worth include the following:

  • Disapproving or overly critical parents or other authority figures (like teachers or coaches), often accompanied by intense pressure for achievement
  • Uninvolved, distant, or preoccupied parents or other caregivers
  • Frequent comparisons to siblings during childhood, leading to feelings of inferiority
  • Excessive praise by parents for performance or abilities (vs. effort and process)
  • Too much unhealthy conflict in the home (note: many children absorb those negative emotions and attribute the conflicts to their own faults or failures)
  • Childhood experiences with taunting, bullying, or ostracism
  • Overprotective parents, leaving children unprepared for challenges
  • School setbacks or failures, leading children to feel flawed or stupid
  • Societal expectations and pressures, including unrealistic portrayals of life and beauty from social media
  • Trauma and abuse
“Why do we hold on so tightly to our belief in our own deficiency?
Why are we so loyal to our suffering, so addicted to our self-judgment?”
-Tara Brach
Tara Brach

Clearly, there are many triggers of the trance. Next, we need to know the consequences of the trance of unworthiness. How does it affect our lives, and what can we do about it?

 

The Consequences of Low Self-Worth

The effects of low self-worth can range from mild to devastating, potentially including:

  • Unhappiness
  • Stress
  • Anxiety
  • Emotional distress
  • Lowered resilience in the face of adversity
  • Substance abuse
  • Separation from others—a lack of deep connection with people you care about
  • Lower salaries, in part due to a lower inclination to negotiate for better compensation
  • Stifling your potential for growth
  • Preventing you from pursuing new opportunities, including lower rates of entrepreneurship
  • Suicide

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The Signs of the Unworthiness Trance

How can we know if we’re susceptible to the trance of unworthiness? Here are some common signs:

  • Recurring feeling that something’s wrong with you, including what Brach calls “the habit of feeling insufficient”
  • Overly active inner critic and negative self talk
  • Perfectionism
  • Numbing behaviors, including addictions (to food, work, alcohol, drugs, etc.)
  • Perpetual busyness, constant multitasking, and frenzied action
  • Preoccupation with achievement, obsession with success, or status addiction
  • Avoidance of vulnerability and self-disclosure
  • Chronic sense of “shame” (“the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging,” as defined by Brene Brown)
  • A “divided life” (“a life in which our words and actions conceal or even contradict truths we hold dear inwardly,” as described by author and educator Parker Palmer from the Center for Courage and Renewal)
  • Restless and perpetual pursuit of self-improvement, fueled by angst of feeling not good enough
  • Badgering yourself for mistakes you’ve made
  • Excessive fault-finding in others, to distract from your own pain or flaws
  • Excessive sensitivity to criticism, even when it’s constructive
  • Difficulty accepting positive feedback
  • Playing it safe to avoid risk or failure
  • Reluctance to ask for what you want or need, and to accept help
  • People-pleasing
  • Self-hatred

When we’re under this trance, we walk around wondering the following:

What’s wrong with me?

This leads to a related concept: “impostor syndrome.”

 

Impostor Syndrome

In 1978, researchers Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes identified a phenomenon called “impostor syndrome” (also called “perceived fraudulence”). It “involves feelings of self-doubt and personal incompetence that persist despite one’s education, experience, and accomplishments.”

Impostor syndrome is a belief that you’re undeserving of your achievements or the esteem you may have. You feel like a fraud who’s about to be revealed. You feel like a phony—and that you don’t belong where you are.

Impostor syndrome is common. Researchers estimate that about 70 percent of adults may experience it at least once during their lives, and they note that it’s more common among women—and specifically women of color—but also relevant to men.

According to Dr. Valerie Young, a researcher who studies impostor syndrome, there are five types of impostors:

  1. The perfectionist: feeling a need to be (or appear) perfect
  2. The natural genius: feeling embarrassed if something doesn’t come easily to you, arising from a belief that competent people can handle anything easily
  3. The rugged individualist or soloist: feeling that you should be able to handle everything on your own and that, if you can’t, it’s a sign of a deep flaw
  4. The expert: feeling like a failure when you don’t know the answer or how to do something
  5. The superhero: feeling that you need to be able to succeed across all domains in your life and work

These feelings are clearly self-defeating. We need to get better at crafting mental narratives that are positive and productive, as opposed to the negative and destructive scripts that have hijacked our brains. Enter the work of Shirzad Chamine on what he calls “positive intelligence.”

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“Positive Intelligence”

 Chamine notes how we’re sabotaging ourselves with our thoughts.

“Most people today live in relatively constant distress and anxiety. This is related to a low-grade but perpetual fight-or-flight response… in reaction to the challenges of life, both personal and professional.”
-Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence

Chamine identified nine “saboteurs,” which are “automatic and habitual mind patterns” that limit our ability to function effectively. The “master saboteur,” as he calls it, is the “Judge”: finding fault with self, others, or circumstances. The Judge sabotages us all, he says.

Other relevant saboteurs include the “Pleaser” (flattering, rescuing, or pleasing others to gain acceptance) and the “Hyper-achiever” (depending on achievement for self-acceptance).

 

What to Do About It

Given how common and destructive these phenomena (including the trance of unworthiness, impostor syndrome, and our mental saboteurs) are, what can we do to flip the script and fill our heads with more forgiving and productive narratives?

Much, it turns out. Here are nine techniques for changing our mental narrative:

  1. The “audacity of authenticity” (described by Brown as “letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are” and “cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable”).
  2. Avoiding the comparison trap, our destructive tendency to compare ourselves to others and judge our worth by how we stack up on superficial metrics
  3. “Radical acceptance” (described by Brach as “clearly recognizing what we are feeling in the present moment and regarding that experience with compassion”). Brach notes that it’s “the gateway to healing wounds and spiritual transformation. When we can meet our experience with Radical Acceptance, we discover the wholeness, wisdom, and love that are our deepest nature.”
  4. Viewing imperfections as gifts, because they connect us more deeply, as Brene Brown notes. People don’t feel deep connections with robots and superheroes. Rather, they form bonds with people when they discover shared humanity and risk vulnerability together.
  5. Challenging our self-doubts and examining the sources of our feelings of unworthiness, recognizing that they’re common and often induced by childhood or other life experiences. We’re not alone in having such thoughts but we must learn to interrogate them.
  6. Forgiving ourselves and healing our wounds. (“We have to face the pain we have been running from. In fact, we need to learn to rest in it and let its searing power transform us.” -Charlotte Joko Beck)
  7. Cultivating contentment, gratitude, and joy. Having a gratitude practice can increase our sense of wellbeing. We can savor what we have, enjoy the little things in life (which often turn out to be the big things, as the saying goes), and find pockets of joy both in the everyday and not just the sublime.
  8. Meditation and mindfulness, including the practice of observing and labeling negative self-judgments when they arise—and then letting them go.
  9. Giving ourselves grace, acknowledging that nobody’s perfect and that the point of life is not to try to appear perfect or successful to others. Sometimes it’s good enough to know that we’re still here and willing to try another day.

The trance of unworthiness is insidious. Its presence in our lives can go unnoticed for years, or even decades, because it operates subconsciously. Its negative effects, while gradual, can accumulate mightily over time, compounding into a mental black hole. It’s time to break the trance.

Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg

 

Reflection Questions

  1. To what extent have you and your loved ones fallen into the trance of unworthiness?
  2. What do you think are the root causes?
  3. Which of the techniques above will you try (or have you tried)?
  4. Are you doing enough to stop self-sabotaging and start a more productive mental script?

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 Postscript: Quotations

  • “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” -Louise L. Hay
  • “Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on.” -Maxwell Maltz
  • “Most bad behavior comes from insecurity.” -Debra Winger
  • “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.” -Parker Palmer
  • “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” -Lucille Ball
  • “Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” -William Shakespeare, “Measure for Measure”
  • “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” -Suzy Kassem
  • “You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” -Amy Bloom
  • “The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” -Mark Twain
  • “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” -Carl Jung
  • “All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” -Nisargadatta Maharaj
  • “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” -Anna Quindlen
  • “When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.” -Madeleine L’Engle
  • “Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” -Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

 

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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, & TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). He has worked for market-leading ventures and given talks or workshops in 8 countries. Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!