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self-compassion

Beyond the Inner Critic: How to Practice Self-Compassion

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Woman thinking about how to practice self-compassion at conference table

Article Summary: 

You’re often your own harshest critic—judging yourself and speaking to yourself in ways you’d never do to others. Here you’ll discover how to practice self-compassion as a potent antidote.

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When the meeting ended, some people nodded and smiled. But that’s not what stuck with Rachel.

What stuck with her was the prospect’s question she didn’t answer fully. The slide she knew she could’ve explained better. The moment she fumbled for words.

By the time she got back to her desk, she was berating herself:

You blew it. After all that practice. What an idiot.

It didn’t matter that the prospect followed up with interest.

Instead, she replayed her mistakes again and again.

What’s wrong with you?

By the end of the day, she was drained, discouraged, and quietly dreading her next presentation.

But what Rachel needed wasn’t more self-flagellation and judgment. It was self-compassion.

 

What Is Self-Compassion

Compassion is the feeling you get when you’re faced with the suffering of another and you’re motivated to relieve it. With self-compassion, you simply turn that feeling and motivation inward.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research and a University of Texas professor, self-compassion has three elements:

  1. self-kindness: being kind and understanding toward yourself when you’re having negative feelings and not being harsh in judging yourself
  2. mindfulness: noticing your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them, which only leads to further suffering
  3. common humanity: perceiving your pain or discomfort as part of our shared human experience and not falling into the trap of overly dramatizing your pain

When you’re exercising self-compassion, you stop being your own enemy and you start being an ally to yourself.

Sometimes it feels easier to be compassionate with others than it does with yourself. The thought of self-compassion might make you feel undeserving, self-indulgent, or needy. It might summon embarrassment or shame.

Self-compassion may feel unfamiliar to you because it wasn’t modeled to you when you were young. You may have grown up with parents who were harsh and judgmental with themselves and/or others. They have been overly critical of you and made you feel rejected.

In her book Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach notes that you may be in the habit of distancing yourself from emotional pain—things like anger, jealousy, or fear—by “covering it over with self-judgment.” In fact, some people do this their whole lives, often without even being aware of it. And they can be brutal about it.

Self-compassion isn’t about suppressing your pain or trying to will it away. Rather it’s about accepting that you’re feeling pain but treating yourself with care and kindness—and giving yourself comfort and support. (1)

In her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Dr. Neff busts some common misconceptions about self-compassion. The highlights: It’s not a form of self-pity, and it doesn’t signal weakness. Self-compassion won’t make you complacent. And it’s not selfish or narcissistic.

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The Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion

Self-compassion brings a wide range of benefits. When you practice it, you’ll likely have lower levels of anxiety and depression. It will make you less likely to engage in rumination and less likely to suppress your thoughts and feelings (which can be harmful). Self-compassion can help you address perfectionism. It can make you more likely to learn from your mistakes and to persist through adversity while also enhancing your ability to cope with failure.

Practicing self-compassion can lead to significant improvements in your social connectedness and relationships. It can boost your motivation for self-improvement by avoiding the cycle of negative self-talk, and it can lead to greater overall life satisfaction.

But there are things that can get in the way. According to Dr. Neff, things like self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification can inhibit self-compassion.

 

How to Practice Self-Compassion

The path to self-compassion begins with changing how you relate to yourself when things go wrong. Here are 10 ways you can practice self-compassion:

1. Notice when you’re being critical of yourself. For example, are you calling yourself names or talking down to yourself? (“You’re such an idiot. I can’t believe how stupid you are. You’re so pathetic.”) If you’re like others, it may be when you’re experiencing disappointment or failure—or shame, embarrassment, or humiliation.

2. Shift your perspective outward. Consider how you would respond to a friend in the same situation. Chances are, you’d be far more understanding with them than you are with yourself. Why not take that gentler and more supportive approach with yourself?

3. Be tolerant of your mistakes, flaws, and inadequacies. Recognize that you’re only human, and that nobody is perfect. Remind yourself that self-criticism is not only ineffective but also damaging. Trying to motivate yourself to change by being extra harsh on yourself is a recipe for failure.

4. Engage in positive self-talk. Notice the tone of your inner voice. When it turns harsh or critical, gently interrupt it and replace it with something more supportive. You don’t have to be over the top. Just speak to yourself in a way that’s grounded in reality and fair while also encouraging.

5. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling isn’t unique to you. There are many people far and wide who are probably experiencing what you’re experiencing and feeling the way you’re feeling. We all experience the ups and downs of life.

6. Place your pain and suffering in the larger context of the human journey of challenge and growth. Remind yourself that struggle isn’t a personal failing. It’s part of being human, and something everyone experiences in different ways. When you step back and see your difficulties as part of a shared journey, they often feel more manageable and less isolating.

7. Write yourself a note or letter that extends compassion to yourself. Draft it from the perspective of a friend, family member, or mentor who supports you enthusiastically, loves you unconditionally, and wants what’s best for you. Sometimes there’s great power in putting things down on paper.

8. Practice mindfulness, perhaps by engaging in loving-kindness meditation. Instead of getting swept up in your thoughts or pushing your feelings away, simply notice what’s happening with a sense of openness and curiosity. Practices like loving-kindness help you slow down and intentionally direct warmth and goodwill toward yourself, especially in moments when you need it most.

9. Seek help via therapy, perhaps including compassion-focused therapy (CFT). A skilled therapist can help you recognize patterns of harsh self-criticism and guide you toward healthier, more compassionate ways of relating to yourself. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Having structured support can make it easier to turn insight into lasting change.

10. Engage in prayer. When you’re facing adversity or difficult feelings, appeal to a higher spirit or something larger than yourself. In doing so, you can find a sense of comfort, perspective, and connection that reminds you that you’re not carrying it all on your own.

 

Conclusion

In the end, self-compassion isn’t indulgence. It’s fuel for better living. It can help make you a better leader, parent, friend, and human being.

Self-compassion steadies you when you stumble and keeps you moving forward without the drag of self-judgment. When you learn to treat yourself with the same understanding and care you offer others, you don’t lower your standards; you raise your capacity to meet them.

Don’t expect instant results. It may take time and effort for you to develop this capacity, especially if you have a history of being hard on yourself.

The next time you struggle, pause, soften, and choose a different response. That small shift can change not just how you feel, but how you live.

 

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Postscript: Inspirations on Self-Compassion

  • “When we carry our pain with the kindness of acceptance instead of the bitterness of resistance, our hearts become an edgeless sea of compassion. We… become the compassionate presence that can hold, with tenderness, the rising and passing waves of suffering.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “When we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others.” – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
  • “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.” -Christopher K. Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions
  • “…this revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “To cultivate the tenderness of compassion, we not only stop running from suffering, we deliberately bring our attention to it…. as we feel suffering and relate to it with care rather than resistance, we awaken the heart of compassion.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-disgust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect.” -Nisargadatta Maharaj, I Am That: Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
  • “Self-compassion is like a muscle. The more we practice flexing it, especially when life doesn’t go exactly according to plan (a frequent scenario for most of us), the stronger and more resilient our compassion muscle becomes.” -Sharon Salzberg, author and teacher of Buddhist meditation practice
  • “Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather, it releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.” -Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance
  • “Where we think we need more self-discipline, we usually need more self-love.” -Tara Mohr, author
  • “When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care far more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be toward others.” –Eda LeShan
  • “What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love; somehow you must find a way to work at it.” -Rainer Maria Rilke, Austrian poet
  • “How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves.” -Brené Brown, researcher and author
  • “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” -Jack Kornfield, psychologist and Buddhist monk and teacher
  • “The way you treat your own heart is the way you will end up treating everyone else’s.” -John Eldridge, author and counselor
  • “Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves.” -Pema Chödrön, nun and Tibetan Buddhist
  • “If you are unkind to yourself, you will be unkind to others. And if you are negligent of yourself, you will be that to others. Only by feeling compassion for yourself can you feel compassion for others. If you cannot love yourself you cannot love others, and you cannot stand to see others loved. If you cannot treat your own self kindly, you will resent that treatment when you see it in anyone else. If you cannot love yourself, loving others becomes a very painful endeavor with only occasional moments of comfort.” -Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul
  • “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones..” -Proverbs 16:24 (NIV)

(1) When practicing self-compassion, you may experience what’s called “backdraft,” in which your pain increases at first, since you’re letting it in, much like when a fire in a closed space suddenly explodes because fresh air rushes in and ignites built-up gases all at once. But it’s temporary and clears the space for healing.

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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). He has worked for market-leading ventures and given talks or workshops in 8 countries. Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

The Incredible Grounding Power of Self-Acceptance

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The Incredible Grounding Power of Self-Acceptance

We humans just want to fit in. A big part of our sense of security comes from feeling accepted by the group.

But what about accepting ourselves? Many people struggle with self-acceptance. That means acceptance of all of our attributes, positive or negative. It means accepting our strengths and faults without judgment.

For us to enjoy life and thrive, we must learn to embrace all aspects of ourselves, not just the positive or admirable. We must get better at accepting our thoughts, feelings, intuitions, values, preferences, and actions. Can we acknowledge our faults, weaknesses, and mistakes without beating ourselves up over them?

Having a healthy level of self-acceptance means not caring too much about what others think about us and not needing others’ approval to feel good and whole. It means viewing ourselves as whole and not defining ourselves by struggles, conditions, diagnoses, labels, or limiting beliefs. And it means making peace with parts of ourselves that have been painful or that we’ve denied or repressed.

Unfortunately, we tend to be bad at this. Many of us are brutal self-critics.

How might our lives change for the better if we could learn to appreciate, respect, and love ourselves—unconditionally, and free of any qualifications?

 

Self-Acceptance Doesn’t Mean Settling

It’s important to note that accepting ourselves in this way doesn’t mean settling for less. It doesn’t mean that we call it quits and just accept whatever’s in front of us, or that we stop learning and growing. Not at all.

It does mean that we stop rejecting ourselves for having struggles or not being perfect. By accepting ourselves in full, we can find great comfort, relief, and security.

“Accepting ourselves as we are today doesn’t mean we’ll be without the motivation to make changes or improvements that will make us more effective, or that will enrich our lives. It’s simply that this self-acceptance is in no way tied to such alterations. We don’t have to actually do anything to secure our self-acceptance:
We have only to change the way we look at ourselves.”
-Dr. Leon F. Seltzer, PhD, author and clinical psychologist

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Where It Comes From

A lack of self-acceptance can come from many sources, often starting with childhood influences. Disapproving or overly critical parents may have given us the message that we’re somehow flawed—annoying, unruly, a hassle, too demanding, not smart enough, not attractive enough, etc. (Siblings, other relatives, teachers, coaches, or peers can reinforce this.) Overly critical parents can instill in us a bad habit of brutal self-criticism that echoes throughout our lives.

Our personality can also work against us when it comes to self-acceptance. For example, many people struggle with perfectionism. The assumption behind it is that the only route to self-acceptance is flawlessness—an impossible and self-defeating standard. Others struggle with “imposter syndrome” (the fear of people viewing us as a fraud or undeserving of our successes).

A dearth of self-acceptance can also come from living or working in an environment where diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging are lacking. When we feel excluded by others, it’s harder to accept ourselves.

Our circumstances and experiences can contribute as well. Perhaps we got cut from the sports team or drama troupe in school, or we dropped out of school. Maybe we didn’t get promoted or make partner, or we got fired. Perhaps we’ve felt beaten down by divorce, bankruptcy, addiction, or trauma. Life can be painful and messy for all of us at times.

Surprisingly, many high-performers struggle with self-acceptance. In his book, Positive Intelligence, executive Shirzad Chamine notes that “hyper-achievers” depend on achievement for self-acceptance. He writes:

“The Hyper-Achiever makes you dependent on constant performance and achievement for self-respect and self-validation. It keeps you focused mainly on external success rather than on internal criteria for happiness. It often leads to unsustainable workaholic tendencies and causes you to fall out of touch with deeper emotional and relationship needs. Its lie is that your self-acceptance should be conditional on performance and external validation.”
-Shirzad Chamine, Positive Intelligence

Many people these days are needy—excessively attached to recognition, praise, or success, or to saving others—for self-acceptance. They have an excessive desire for affirmation or reassurance from others, making their happiness dependent and fleeting.

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The Problem with Lacking Self-Acceptance

Without self-acceptance, we can be trapped in self-doubt, self-judgment, or even self-hatred. The problem is when we turn the inherent messiness of our lives into an identity and start rejecting ourselves because of it. That can lead to many problems, including:

  • negative self-talk or even self-hatred
  • damage to our psychological wellbeing
  • reduced emotional control
  • lower confidence
  • avoidance of people or situations
  • relationship challenges
  • anxiety or depression

The effects of low self-acceptance are pervasive, potentially touching every aspect of our lives.

“Without self-acceptance, people essentially devalue themselves and this often has a negative impact on all areas of their life, including their work, friends, family, health, and well-being.”
-Dr. Meghan Marcum, PsyD, psychologist

 

The Benefits of Developing Self-Acceptance

What happens when we learn to accept ourselves as we are, not only with all our gifts and talents but also our faults and quirks? A healthy level of self-acceptance can help us:

  1. feel secure and free
  2. cultivate a sense of peace
  3. improve our wellbeing
  4. feel less compulsive and anxious
  5. protect our mood in the face of setbacks
  6. form a foundation for greater confidence
  7. develop better relationships
  8. build our capacity to distance ourselves from outside expectations and extrinsic motivations
  9. improve work performance
  10. boost happiness
“Happiness and self-acceptance go hand in hand. Self-acceptance determines your level of happiness.
The more self-acceptance you have, the happier you allow yourself to be.
You will only be as happy as you feel you are worthy of being.”
-Dr. Robert Holden, Happiness Now!

 

How to Develop Greater Self-Acceptance

Clearly, self-acceptance affects many areas of our lives, from mental health and wellbeing to relationships and work. So, how can we develop greater self-acceptance? There are many things we can do, including:

Re-examine our repeated self-criticisms and old feelings of guilt and shame. Interrogate them.

Delve into the things we don’t accept about ourselves—perhaps with the help of a therapist—and then bring understanding and compassion to them. Understanding and insight can sometimes bring welcome relief.

Forgive ourselves for mistakes we’ve made and resolve to move on, ideally focusing on the lessons we’ve learned from them.

Give ourselves permission to be imperfect, since we all have issues and faults. The point is to live life fully as who we truly are, not to pretend we’re some perfect being capable of existing without flaws and faults.

Replace our negative self-talk with positive self-talk, focusing on our capabilities and accomplishments.

Avoid self-blame and rumination on past grievances or suffering. Change the channel on those negative thoughts and tune into a more uplifting station.

Stop comparing ourselves to others, since little good comes of it and much harm can follow. Why? Because we lack visibility into the challenges of others while viewing their curated social media feeds. Also, it’s easy to compare our messy beginning with their more refined middle or end. We each have our own unique context that’s often vastly different from others.

Practice self-compassion. That means treating ourselves with warmth and understanding in difficult times—including instances of suffering, perceived inadequacy, or failure.

Identify, clarify, and embrace our personal core values. In the process, we’ll be strengthening our sense of identity and self-respect.

Spend more time with people who accept us as we are—and less time with those who don’t. Surround ourselves with people who believe in us, support us, embolden us, and bring out our best—including family, friends, colleagues, coaches, mentors, and small groups—while avoiding people who tear us down.

Try mindfulness meditation. Focus on observing our thoughts and feelings and then letting them go without judgment and attachment.

Keep a journal. Journaling can help us reflect on our experiences and feelings, understand them in new ways, and reframe them.

Upgrade our mindset by reframing our problems not as weights that bring us down but as puzzles to be solved, with all their challenge and mystery. Here we take our cue from Quincy Jones:

“I don’t have problems. I have puzzles…. I can solve a puzzle. A problem just stresses me out.”
-Quincy Jones, record producer, songwriter, and composer

Seek help via a professional therapist or counselor. (Consider starting with any of these resources: BetterHelp, SonderMind, Befrienders Worldwide, 7cups.)

Many of the practices above relate to self-regulation—our ability to monitor and manage our energy states, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in positive ways (e.g., promoting wellbeing and healthy relationships).

 

Some Cautions

As we work on developing self-acceptance, we should avoid using accomplishment to bolster it, as that can make us dependent on factors outside of our control. If we can’t accept ourselves unless we’re successful, wealthy, or whatever, we’re missing the point.

We should also avoid focusing too much on ourselves and how we’re appearing and doing (e.g., Are we good enough? How do we stack up?). Instead, focus on contributing to others—our family, friends, colleagues, organization, community, and beyond. This will help us feel good and connect with people while having a positive impact.

Personal Values Exercise

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Conclusion

Lacking self-acceptance can have devastating consequences in our life and work, while developing it can provide an incredible grounding power in so many aspects of our lives. It can facilitate relief, confidence, happiness, and success. It’s well worth developing and will serve us well in all we do.

Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg

 

 

 

Reflection Questions

  1. To what extent do you embrace all aspects of yourself with full self-acceptance?
  2. Do you struggle with negative self-talk or self-rejection?
  3. Are you willing to put in this foundational work to set yourself up for more enjoyment, happiness, and success?

 

Tools for You

 

Related Articles

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Self-Acceptance

  • “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” -Louise L. Hay, author
  • “You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful.” -Amy Bloom, writer and psychotherapist
  • “All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” -Nisargadatta Maharaj, Indian guru
  • “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” -Lucille Ball, actress, comedian, and producer
  • “Wholehearted living is about engaging with our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.’” -Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

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Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, TEDx speaker, and coach on personal development and leadership excellence. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Best Articles or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!