Create a life you love with Gregg's "Crafting Your Life and Work course"

Linkedin X-twitter Facebook Youtube
Traps
Test

Life

Check in on Your Friendships: A Quick Checkup

by

Article Summary: 

Many people get so busy that they neglect their friendships—only to regret it later. Strong friendships don’t happen by accident. This article offers a quick friendship checkup tool, plus 11 ways to nurture deeper connection with your friends.

+++

How are your relationships with your friends?

The quality of your friendships can have a big impact on your happiness and quality of life. Strong friendships bring joy, support, and meaning to your life.

But friendships aren’t always easy to maintain. You may be busy with work and family obligations, or separated by distance.

“…signs suggest that the role of friends in American social life is experiencing a pronounced decline….
Fewer Americans appear to be relying on friends for personal support than they have in the past.”
-American Perspectives Survey*

Here’s a quick checkup to help you see how things are going and where some extra attention could make a big difference.

Friendship Checkup

Evaluate your friendships by giving an honest rating in each area below.

1. Connection: Do you feel close, understood, and engaged with each other?



2. Openness: Do you share your thoughts and feelings freely with each other?



3. Honesty: Are you truthful and straightforward with each other and do you act with integrity?



4. Trust: Can you rely on each other?



5. Respect: Do you show enough regard for each other’s feelings, wishes, and boundaries, and acknowledge each other’s good qualities?



6. Commitment: Are you consistently present in each other’s lives and dedicated to each other’s wellbeing?



7. Mutual Support: Do you support each other in tough times and celebrate successes?



8. Reciprocity: Are you giving attention, care, and support to each other (and accepting them)?



9. Authenticity: Are you being yourself and showing your true thoughts and feelings to each other?



10. Vulnerability: Do you share your fears, struggles, and failures with each other?



11. Fun Factor: Do you make time for laughter, play, and joy?



Your Results

Total: ____ (out of 33)
Average: ____ (divide total by 11)

Tip: Aim for 24–27 (average 2.2–2.5) as a healthy baseline, and keep stretching toward 30+.

Notes & Action Items: 

 

Connection

Connection is the heart of friendship. It’s about being and feeling close, understood, and engaged. Do you feel genuinely connected to your friends? And do they feel connected to you? Are you making time to be together and share experiences?

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

 

Openness

Openness is about sharing your thoughts and feelings freely with each other. Are you comfortable being open with your friends? Do they feel safe sharing with you? Do you listen without judgment and show curiosity about their feelings, perspectives, and experiences?

 

Honesty

Honesty is the bedrock of trust. Without it, distance and resentment will creep (or explode) into your friendship. Are you truthful and straightforward with your friends, even when it’s uncomfortable? Do they know they can be honest with you? Honesty strengthens trust and connection when it’s expressed with kindness.

 

Trust

Trust develops over time through reliability, open communication, consistent positive interactions, and ongoing demonstrations of support. Can your friends count on you? Can you rely on them? Small, consistent actions build trust and confidence in the relationship.

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Respect

Respect means showing regard for your friends’ feelings, wishes, perspectives, and boundaries. And accepting them as they are—faults and all. In a friendship, you can show respect by:

  • listening attentively, without interrupting, and showing genuine interest
  • keeping confidences, honoring their trust, and respecting their privacy
  • valuing their time and following through on commitments
  • acknowledging and honoring their feelings and concerns

Do you honor your friends’ needs and boundaries? Do they honor yours? Mutual respect creates stronger bonds and smoother interactions.

 

Commitment

Commitment in friendship means showing up consistently and being dedicated to each other’s wellbeing. You can demonstrate commitment by:

  • being present, even when life is busy, and making time to connect
  • checking in regularly, not just when you need something
  • following through on promises
  • making an effort to stay in touch, even across distance or life changes

Do your friends know you’re truly there for them? Do they show up for you as well? Commitment over time builds security and lasting bonds.

“I regret letting good friends drift away by not staying in touch.”
-a 41 year-old Cambodian man (cited by Dan Pink in The Power of Regret)

 

Mutual Support

Good friends are there for each other in tough times. They celebrate successes together. Do you support your friends in meaningful ways when they need help? Are they there for you? Do you have each other’s backs? Mutual support fosters closeness and resilience.

 

Reciprocity

Reciprocity is about giving and receiving attention, care, and support in a reasonably balanced way. Do you contribute to the friendship as much as you receive? Do your friends feel valued and supported by you? Are you open to accepting their help and kindness as well?

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Authenticity

Authenticity means being yourself and showing your true thoughts and feelings in the friendship. Are you genuine with your friends? Do they feel comfortable being themselves around you? Are both of you showing who you truly are?

 

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is about being willing to share your fears, struggles, and failures, and allowing your friends to do the same. Do you feel safe opening up to your friends about hard things? Do they feel safe sharing with you? Are you willing to show your fears and flaws?

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.”
-Brene Brown

 

Fun Factor

Shared laughter and playful moments are the secret sauce of great friendships. Do you actually make time to goof off, have wacky adventures, or fall out of your chair because you’re laughing so hard? Fun isn’t just fluff. It’s fuel. It creates memorable stories, the inside jokes you’ll still be laughing about years later, and the kind of energy that keeps fueling your friendship for years.

 

Conclusion

Taking time to check in on your friendships is essential if you want them to thrive. Reflecting on things like trust, respect, mutual support, vulnerability, and fun reveals not only what’s working but also where you can grow.

Friendships don’t stay strong by accident. They flourish when we show up with intention and commitment. By acting now, you can nurture connections that bring joy, support, and meaning into both of your lives—not just today but for years to come.

So don’t wait.

What’s one thing you’ll do today to strengthen a friendship?

Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg

“Invest in friends. There is no other instrument that pays such high returns…. We need each other, but perversely we neglect each other. Every day we have an opportunity to exercise friendship, to make huge returns on a tiny investment, but foolishly we relapse into sleep and forgetting. Please take my advice to heart—forget bonds, forget stocks, forget gold—invest in friendship.” -Ronald Gottesman

 

Tools for You

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Related Articles

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Spouse or Partner and Quality of Life

  • “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” -Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)
  • “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” -Elbert Hubbard
  • “The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.” -Abraham Lincoln
  • “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “Some friends leave footprints in your heart.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
  • “For a friend with an understanding heart is worth no less than a brother.” -Homer, The Odyssey
  • “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” -Walter Winchell
  • “The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • “Your friends are God’s way of apologizing for your relatives.” -Wayne Dyer
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” -Henri Nouwen

 

Appendix: Survey Data on Declining Friendships

In the U.S., some observers have noted that we’re in a “friendship recession.” Here are some of the top findings from the American Perspectives Survey:*

  • “…signs suggest that the role of friends in American social life is experiencing a pronounced decline.”
  • “Americans report having fewer close friendships than they once did, talking to their friends less often, and relying less on their friends for personal support.”
  • “22 percent of Americans say it has been at least five years since they last made a new friend.”
  • “Fewer Americans appear to be relying on friends for personal support than they have in the past.”
  • “Many Americans do not have a large number of close friends. Close to half (49 percent) of Americans report having three or fewer…. The number of close friendships Americans have appears to have declined considerably over the past several decades.”
  • “Women are slightly more likely than men are to report being satisfied with their number of friends.”
  • “Men are also far less likely than women are to have received emotional support from a friend.”
  • “fewer Americans have a best friend today than they once did.”
  • “Americans are now more likely to make friends at work than any other way.”
  • “…most Americans have a best friend, even if it’s fewer than in the past.”

The report points to many factors at work behind these trends, including: people marrying later, people being more geographically mobile, parents spending about twice as much time with their children (crowding out time for friends), working longer hours, traveling more for work, and more. The report also notes different types of friendships, including childhood, situational, place-based, activity-based, and online-only friendships.

Survey methodology: “The survey was designed and conducted by the Survey Center on American Life. Interviews were conducted among a random sample of 2,019 adults (age 18 and up) living in the United States, including all 50 states and the District of Columbia…. Interviewing was conducted between May 14 and May 23 2021. Interviews were conducted in Spanish and English…. The margin of error for the qualified survey sample is +/– 2.4 percentage points at the 95 percent level of confidence.”

* Source: Daniel A. Cox, “The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss,” Survey Center on American Life, American Enterprise Institute, June 8, 2021.

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

A Quick Family Relationship Checkup

by

Article Summary: 

Many people get so busy with work and other obligations that their family relationships end up suffering. Strong family bonds don’t happen by accident. This article gives practical tips to nurture trust, love, and connection with your children, parents, and siblings—plus a quick, family relationship checkup to see how your family is doing.

+++

How are your relationships with your family—your children, parents, siblings, or other close relatives?

The quality of those relationships can have a big impact on your quality of life. Strong family bonds bring joy, support, and meaning, while strained ones can drain your energy and peace of mind.

Here’s a quick checkup to help you see how things are going and where a little extra attention could make a big difference.

 

1. Safety

At the foundation of every healthy family relationship is safety—both physical and emotional. Without it, trust can’t grow.

Ask yourself: Does your family feel safe with you—safe to be themselves, to share openly, to make mistakes? Do you feel safe with them?

Safety means showing up in ways that honor each other’s boundaries, dignity, and well-being. And it means accepting responsibility and making amends when you mess up.

 

2. Love and Care

Love isn’t just about feelings. It’s expressed through words, actions, and time.

Ask yourself: Do your kids feel truly loved and appreciated? Do your parents or siblings know you care about them? And on the flip side: Are you open to receiving their love?

Healthy relationships flow both ways. And healthy families are generous in expressing their love and care for one another.

 

3. Honesty

Honesty is the bedrock of trust. Without it, you’ll experience separation, distance, and resentment.

Ask yourself: Are you authentic, open, and truthful with your children and family, even when it’s uncomfortable? Do they feel comfortable being open and honest with you?

Honesty, spoken with kindness and respect, fosters deeper connection.

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

4. Trust

Trust develops over time through reliability, togetherness, and respect.

Ask yourself: Can your family depend on you? Do they know they can count on you? And are you confident you can rely on them?

Small, consistent actions over time build a foundation of trust.

 

5. Respect

Respect means acknowledging their good qualities, holding them in high regard, and valuing their feelings and perspective even when you disagree.

Ask yourself: Do you respect your family members? Do you honor their needs and boundaries? And do they do the same for you?

Mutual respect creates calmer conversations and stronger bonds.

 

6. Mutual Support

Healthy families support one another in struggles and celebrate together in successes.

Ask yourself: Do you step in when your family members need help or encouragement? Are they certain that you’re in their corner? And do they give you the support you need?

Mutual support fosters togetherness and resilience.

“Trouble is part of your life. If you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.”
-Dinah Shore, singer and actress

 

7. Commitment

Commitment in families isn’t just about being related. It’s about showing up for each other, consistently, through good times and hard ones. You show commitment in the small, steady actions: attending the game or recital, making that call to check in, keeping traditions alive, or simply being present. It means prioritizing the relationship, investing time and energy, and demonstrating that your bond matters.

Ask yourself: Does your family know you’re truly there for them, no matter what? Can they rely on your commitment to staying connected, even when life gets busy? And do they show you their commitment as well?

When family members see and feel your commitment, it builds security and a lasting sense of belonging.

“In my experience, high-achievers focus a great deal on becoming the person they want to be at work—and far too little on the person they want to be at home…. What this leads us to is over-investing in our careers, and under-investing in your families.” -Clayton Christensen, How Will You Measure Your Life?

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

8. Communication

Strong communication involves more than talking and expressing yourself clearly. It’s also about listening and checking for understanding.

Ask yourself: Do you really hear each other? In your family, do you make space for honest dialogue instead of letting frustration or assumptions build?

Good communication prevents conflict from festering and brings you back together when you’ve drifted apart.

 

9. Appreciation

In many families, people don’t show enough appreciation for each other. Appreciation is about saying “thank you” often—for cooking a meal, helping with chores, or giving a ride. It’s about giving compliments—noticing when someone looks nice, works hard, or does something thoughtful. Or writing notes or texts sent during the day. It’s about reminding someone, “I’m proud of you,” or “I believe in you.”

Ask yourself: Do you notice and acknowledge the small efforts your kids, parents, or siblings make? Do they feel valued by you—and do you feel valued by them?

Regular appreciation can lead to greater self-worth and confidence, higher motivation, lower anxiety, closer bonds, healthier communication, and stronger resilience in hard times.

 

10. Affection

Affection is how you express love and care in everyday life. It can be physical, like hugs, high-fives, or holding hands. It can also be verbal, like compliments, encouragement, or simply saying, “I love you.” Regular expressions of affection help children feel secure and valued, reassure parents they’re appreciated, and keep bonds with siblings warm and strong.

Ask yourself: Does your family feel genuine affection from you in ways that matter to them? Do you show warmth and care consistently? Are you satisfied with the amount and types of affection you receive from your family?

Affection strengthens family ties and helps make each person feel seen and important—and loved. Often, even little gestures go a long way.

 

11. Boundaries

Healthy families honor each other’s boundaries—emotional, physical, and personal. Boundaries help clarify what’s okay and what’s not, allowing each person to feel respected and safe.

Ask yourself: Do your children know where the limits are, and do you enforce them with consistency and love? And do you also respect their growing need for privacy and independence? With parents and siblings, do you set healthy boundaries when it comes to time, responsibilities, or conversations that cross the line? Does your family respect your boundaries?

Boundaries aren’t about building walls. They’re about creating mutual respect and clarity so you all can thrive.

Personal Values Exercise

Complete this exercise to identify your personal values. It will help you develop self-awareness, including clarity about what’s most important to you in life and work, and serve as a safe harbor for you to return to when things are tough.

Take the Exercise

 

12. Healthy Conflict

Disagreements are inevitable in families. What matters is how you handle them. Healthy families engage in proactive and respectful problem-solving together and keep in mind that they’re on the same team.

Ask yourself: Do you approach conflicts respectfully, without attacking or withdrawing? And do you focus on understanding and solutions instead of blaming? Does your family do the same for you?

Handled well, conflict can help develop understanding and deepen trust.

 

13. Fun Factor

Shared laughter and fun keep family life vibrant. It’s about sharing lighthearted family meals together, playing games, going on hikes, cooking together, family movie nights, celebrating birthdays, family trips, goofing around in the yard. Whatever strikes your fancy.

Are you all making time for joy, play, or simple moments of connection with your family? Do you bring lightness into daily life, even during stress?

Fun creates lasting positive memories and eases tension.

 

Family Relationship Checkup

Take the family relationship checkup below to get a quick sense of how you’re doing together.

Area Question 1 = Needs Work 2 = Doing Fine 3 = Thriving
Safety Do family members feel physically and emotionally safe with each other?
Love & Care Do you consistently express love in ways they feel and receive?
Honesty Are you truthful with each other, even when it’s hard?
Trust Can you depend on each other?
Respect Do you acknowledge each other’s good qualities, hold them in high regard, and value their feelings and perspectives?
Mutual Support Do you show up for each other during struggles and celebrate successes together?
Commitment Are you truly there for each other, no matter what, and do you stay connected, even when life gets busy?
Communication Do you listen well, speak clearly, and avoid assumptions?
Appreciation Do you notice and acknowledge the little (and big) things each other does?
Affection Do you show each other warmth and care often?
Boundaries Do you respect each other’s needs, limits, and individuality?
Healthy Conflict Do you handle disagreements calmly and constructively?
Fun Factor Do you make time for laughter, play, and joy?

Be sure to celebrate what’s working and identify one or two areas you want to work on.

 

Conclusion

Taking time to check in on your family relationships is a powerful way to strengthen them. Reflecting on areas like trust, respect, communication, support, boundaries, healthy conflict, and fun can reveal what’s going well and where there’s room to grow.

Don’t expect perfection. Instead, focus on awareness, intention, and consistent effort. By making daily choices to show up with love and care, you can nurture stronger family bonds that bring more meaning and joy into your life.

Choose one area to focus on this week. What’s one meaningful step you’ll take this week to strengthen your connection with your children, parents, or siblings?

Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg

 

Tools for You

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Related Articles

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Spouse or Partner and Quality of Life

  • “If your children look up to you, you’ve made a success of life’s biggest job.” -unknown
  • “To a child, love is spelled T-I-M-E.” -unknown
  • “The children who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways.” -Dr. Russel Barkley, clinical psychologist
  • “The question isn’t so much, Are you parenting the right way? as it is: Are you the adult you want your child to grow up to be?” -Brené Brown
  • “Cultivating the habit of affirming people, of frequently and sincerely communicating your belief in them—particularly teenagers who are going through their second identity crisis—is supremely important.” -Stephen R. Covey
  • “The world is full of miracles, but none greater than how far a young person can be carried by someone else’s belief in them.” -Fredrik Backman, My Friends
  • “No artist work is so high, so noble, so grand, so enduring, so important for all time, as the making of the character of a child.” -Charlotte Cushman
  • “Every home is a university and the parents are the teachers.” -Mahatma Gandhi
  • “Children need models rather than critics.” -Joseph Joubert
  • “Parenthood is the most important leadership responsibility in life and will provide the greatest levels of happiness and joy. And when true leadership… is not manifested in parenthood, it will provide the greatest source of sorrow and disappointment.” -Stephen R. Covey
  • “The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child. If people were plants, the relationship would be the soil.” -Philippa Perry, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
  • “This is the real key to parenting… combining high standards and strong values and consistent discipline with unconditional love, deep empathy and a lot of fun. This is why the greatest test of parenthood, and the key to building a healthy, nurturing family culture, is how we treat the ones who test us the most.” -Stephen R. Covey
  • “Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.” -Charles R. Swindoll
  • “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.” -Carl Gustav Jung
  • “In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” -Ann Landers
  • “The home is the ultimate career. All other careers exist to support the ultimate career.” -C.S. Lewis
  • “If you treat your child’s sadness, anger, and fears not as negatives to be corrected but as opportunities to learn more about them and to connect with them, you will deepen your bond with them. Then, there is every likelihood you will increase their capacity for happiness.” -Philippa Perry, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read
  • “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. Wherever our children go and whatever they go through, our hearts are with them, rising and falling with each victory or defeat.” -Elizabeth Stone
  • “If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.” -Abigail Van Buren
  • “We can’t really give to our children what we don’t have ourselves. In that sense, my greatest gift to my daughter is that I continue to work on myself.” -Marianne Williamson
  • “Being a role model is the most powerful form of educating… too often fathers neglect it because they get so caught up in making a living they forget to make a life.” -John Wooden
  • “Everyone knows that if a child’s parent dies, the child will suffer with sadness, loss, and possibly depression. No one thinks about this being the case when a child loses a parent to success.” -Jonice Webb with Christine Musello, Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
  • “Family is a way of holding hands with forever.” -Noah benShea, author, poet, philosopher
“Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.” -Liz Mineo, Harvard Gazette, April 11, 2017 (summarizing the findings of the Grant Study of Adult Development)

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

A Quick Relationship Checkup

by

Article Summary: 

Many people struggle to maintain a strong relationship with their spouse or partner. This article offers practical insights to help you strengthen your bond and show up more intentionally—and a quick checkup tool.

+++

How is your relationship with your spouse or partner? When you hear the Righteous Brothers sing “You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling,” does it ring true a little? Does it feel “gone, gone, gone”?

The quality of your closest relationships can have an enormous impact on your quality of life. A strong partnership can bring joy, support, and meaning, while a strained one can drain your energy and peace of mind.

Of course, you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy or fulfilled. Many people thrive on their own or through other meaningful connections. But if you are with a spouse or partner, there’s almost always room to grow.

Here we explore the key areas to check in on, so you can quickly see how things are going and where a little extra attention might make a big difference.

 

1. Physical and Emotional Safety

At the foundation of every healthy relationship is safety—both physical and emotional. Without it, trust can’t grow and connection withers.

Ask yourself: Do you feel safe with your partner? Safe to be yourself? To speak up? Are there any places where you feel guarded, fearful, or silenced?

But this isn’t just about what you receive—it’s also about what you give. Ask yourself too: Does your partner feel safe with you? Do you create space for them to express themselves without judgment? Do you listen with respect, even when you disagree? Do you handle conflict respectfully and productively?

It’s about both of you showing up in ways that honor each other’s boundaries, well-being, and dignity. Without a strong and deep sense of safety, everything else feels precarious.

“Belonging begins with safety…. this is a place and a relationship where you feel safe enough to be the real you.”
-Jonathan Fields, How to Live a Good Life

 

2. Giving and Receiving Love

When you express love openly and received fully, connection deepens. When you don’t, misunderstandings and distance creep in.

Ask yourself: Do you feel loved and appreciated by your partner? Do they show care in ways that resonate with you—through words, actions, time, or affection? Are you open to receiving their love, or do you deflect it?

Now turn the mirror around: How are you showing love to your partner? Do you express it in ways that are meaningful to them, not just the ways that come naturally to you? (Check out Gary Chapman’s “five love languages” for an excellent resource.) Are you consistently letting them know how much they matter to you?

Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a practice that takes attention and effort from both of you. Love flows both ways in the healthiest relationships. If there’s an imbalance, see it as an invitation to talk about it and grow in how you give and receive love.

“Your goal is not to find love, but to remove all barriers which are preventing you from receiving it.”
-Rumi

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

3. Honesty

Without honesty, trust erodes, a chasm emerges, and resentment creeps in.

Ask yourself: Are you confident that your partner is honest with you? Can you rely on their words and trust their actions? Do you believe they’re being genuine about who they are and what they feel?

Then consider the other side: Are you showing up with honesty? Do you tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable? Do you hide parts of yourself out of fear of judgment, or do you let your partner see the real you?

Honesty fosters safety, which you need for intimacy. When you’re both committed to truthfulness—spoken with kindness and respect—it helps your relationship deepen.

 

4. Trust

Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. It’s what lets you feel confident in your partner’s words and actions. It allows both of you to rely on each other without doubt or anxiety. Trust develops through consistent honesty, reliability, and mutual respect over time.

Ask yourself: Are you confident that you can truly rely on your partner? Do they follow through on their commitments? Are you convinced that they have your best interests at heart?

Now consider the other side: Are you trustworthy as a partner? Do you keep your promises and create a sense of dependability that your partner can count on? When you both actively nurture trust, small actions accumulate over time into a deep sense of security and connection.

“Trust is the glue of life. It is the most essential ingredient in effective communication.
It is the foundational principle that holds together all relationships.”
-Stephen R. Covey

 

5. Respect

When respect is present, communication is calmer, conflicts are more productive, and both partners feel seen and valued. Respect is about valuing your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and boundaries, even when you disagree.

Ask yourself: Do you feel respected by your partner? Do they listen to you, honor your boundaries, and treat you well?

Then flip it: Do you show respect to your partner? Do you listen actively, consider their perspective, validate their feelings, and honor their needs? Do you avoid dismissive or hurtful behaviors, even in moments of frustration?

Mutual respect strengthens connection and creates a safe space for you both to grow.

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

6. Mutual Support

Mutual support is about being there for each other during challenges, celebrating successes together, and creating an ironclad sense of togetherness and teamwork. When support flows both ways, it strengthens connection and helps you both feel understood and valued.

Ask yourself: Do you feel supported by your partner? Do they encourage you, listen when you need to talk, and step up when you need help?

Then consider the other side: Are you being a supportive partner? Do you notice when your partner needs encouragement, help, or someone to listen? And do you offer your time, attention, and care in ways that meet their needs?

When you both actively give and receive support, life’s challenges feel more manageable—and successes feel more meaningful.

 

7. Communication

Clear, open, and honest communication involves more than just talking. It’s also about listening, understanding, and expressing yourself in ways that build connection. Effective communication helps prevent misunderstandings, resolves conflicts, and deepens intimacy.

Ask yourself: Do you feel heard and understood? Do they take the time to listen and respond thoughtfully, even when topics are uncomfortable?

Now flip it: Are you communicating effectively? Do you listen without judgment, check for understanding, and express yourself honestly? Do you create space for dialogue rather than letting assumptions or frustration take over?

Strong communication nurtures trust, respect, and closeness.

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

8. Openness

Openness means being willing to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences honestly. It’s about vulnerability, curiosity, and a willingness to grow together. Openness fosters understanding, intimacy, and a sense that you can truly be yourself with each other.

Ask yourself: Do you feel that your partner is open with you? Do they share their thoughts and feelings honestly, and are they willing to listen to yours without judgment?

Then reflect on your own role: Are you being open with your partner? Do you share what matters to you, express your needs, and let them see your true self?

Openness is a two-way street. When you both engage in honest and receptive communication, the relationship becomes stronger and more resilient.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.”
-Brene Brown, researcher and author

 

9. Appreciation

Regularly expressing appreciation is a simple but powerful—and often neglected—way to strengthen your relationship. When you notice and acknowledge the efforts, qualities, and actions of your partner, it reinforces their value and nurtures positive connection. Appreciation isn’t just about big gestures. Small, everyday acknowledgments add up to something powerful.

Ask yourself: Do you feel genuinely appreciated by your partner? Do they acknowledge the things you do and recognize the qualities they value in you?

Then reflect on your own role: Are you expressing appreciation to your partner consistently? Do you notice the little things they do and acknowledge them? Are you expressing your gratitude, or do you assume they know how you feel?

When you both make appreciation a habit, it strengthens your bond and fosters a more joyful, supportive relationship.

 

10. Affection

Affection is how you express love and show care in everyday life. It can be physical, like hugs or hand-holding. Or verbal, like compliments and encouragement. Regular expressions of affection help partners feel secure, valued, and connected.

Ask yourself: Do you feel affection from your partner in ways that matter to you? Do they make you feel seen, cared for, and loved on a regular basis?

Now consider your own role: Are you showing affection in ways that resonate with your partner? Do you express care, appreciation, and warmth consistently, both in words and actions?

Affection strengthens bonds and reinforces your love and sense of intimacy.

 

11. Intimacy

When you know someone deeply and feel safe with and accepted by that person, you can develop an intimate closeness. Intimacy can be not only physical but also emotional, mental, or even spiritual. Intimacy strengthens attachment and helps you both feel safe and valued.

Ask yourself: Do you feel close and connected to your partner? Can you share your vulnerabilities, dreams, and fears without judgment?

Then reflect on your own role: Are you creating space for intimacy? Do you listen deeply, respond with empathy, and share your authentic self? Do you nurture connection through small daily actions as well as deeper conversations?

 

12. Commitment

Commitment is the promise to show up for your partner hip over the long haul—even through difficulties. It gives your relationship stability. Commitment isn’t just about staying. It’s about actively investing in the relationship every day.

Ask yourself: Is your partner genuinely committed to your relationship? Do they prioritize it, even when life gets busy or stressful?

Then flip it: Are you fully committed to your partner and your relationship? Do you consistently invest time, energy, and care?

When you both show commitment, your relationship can strengthen and weather challenges over time.

 

13. Faithfulness

Faithfulness is about honoring the trust and exclusivity in your relationship. It’s not only about physical fidelity. It’s also about emotional and mental fidelity, being true to your commitments, and avoiding behaviors that could harm your partner or your bond. Faithfulness builds trust and a sense of security in your relationship.

Ask yourself: Do you feel that your partner is fully faithful to you—in thought, word, and action? Can you trust them completely to honor the boundaries and commitments you’ve agreed on?

Then reflect on your own role: Are you faithful in all aspects of your relationship? Do you act in ways that protect and strengthen your bond rather than undermine it? Are you worthy of the trust your partner has placed in you?

 

14. Healthy Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you handle it makes all the difference. Healthy conflict allows you both to express your needs, feelings, and perspectives without attacking, belittling, judging, or withdrawing. It’s not about avoiding disagreements. It’s about managing them in ways that strengthen understanding and connection.

Ask yourself: Do you feel that conflicts with your partner are handled respectfully and constructively? Can you disagree without fear of escalating into hurtful arguments, resentment, or contempt?

Then flip it: Do you approach disagreements with calm, respect, and a willingness to understand your partner’s point of view? Do you avoid blame, listen actively, and focus on finding solutions rather than trying to “win” the argument?

Learning to navigate disagreements with care is one of the most important skills for a lasting partnership. Poor conflict management skills destroy too many otherwise good relationships.

 

15. Fun

How’s the fun factor in your relationship? Are you laughing often? Enjoying activities together? Being silly with each other? The fun factor helps strengthen connection, reduce stress, and create lasting positive memories. Fun can reduce some of the heaviness and bring in levity, light, and joy.

Ask yourself: Do you have enough fun together? Are you finding moments to laugh, play, and simply enjoy each other’s company?

Then flip it: Are you bringing fun into the relationship? Do you make time for shared activities, lightheartedness, and spontaneity? How about laughter and play, even during busy or stressful times?

Prioritizing fun keeps your relationship vibrant and fosters intimacy.

 

Relationship Checkup

Take the relationship checkup below to get a quick sense of how you’re doing together.

📝 Relationship Checkup

Rate each area below:
1 = needs work | 2 = doing fine | 3 = doing great

  1. Physical and emotional safety
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  2. Giving and receiving love
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  3. Honesty
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  4. Trust
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  5. Respect
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  6. Mutual support
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  7. Communication
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  8. Openness
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  9. Appreciation
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  10. Affection
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  11. Intimacy
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  12. Commitment
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  13. Faithfulness
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  14. Healthy conflict
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great
  15. Fun
    1. needs work 2. doing fine 3. doing great

Be sure to celebrate what’s working and identify one or two areas you want to work on.

 

Conclusion

Taking the time to check in on your relationship is a powerful way to strengthen the bond with your partner and enhance your overall quality of life. Reflecting on areas like trust, communication, affection, and mutual support can reveal both what’s working well and where there’s room to grow. (And there’s always room to grow.)

Don’t expect perfection. Focus instead on awareness, intention, effort, and improvement. By honestly assessing how you and your partner show up for each other, and by taking small, consistent actions, you can nurture connection and deepen intimacy. By doing so, you can create a relationship that’s secure, joyful, and fulfilling.

Choose one area to focus on this week. What’s one meaningful step you’ll take today to strengthen your relationship and help it thrive?

Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg

 

Tools for You

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Related Articles and Books

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Spouse or Partner and Quality of Life

  • “Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through becoming the right mate.” -Rabbi Barnett Brickner
  • “Far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person.” -Gloria Steinem
  • “Feeling safe in someone’s energy is a different kind of intimacy. That feeling of peace and protection is really underrated.” -Vanessa Klas
  • “A great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end.” -Orebela Gbenga
  • “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner. One such moment is not important, but if you’re always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually, very slowly.” -John Gottman
  • “Love is an action. Never simply a feeling.” -bell hooks
  • “…even in stable, happy relationships: When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result.” -John Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples
  • “For it is in loving, as well as in being loved, that we become most truly ourselves. No matter what we do, say, accomplish, or become, it is our capacity to love that ultimately defines us. In the end, nothing we do or say in this lifetime will matter as much as the way we have loved one another.” -Daphne Rose Kingma, psychotherapist
  • “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” -C.S. Lewis
  • “Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them.” -Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
  • “The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way.” -Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
  • “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” -Anaïs Nin
  • “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery
  • “There is no remedy for love but to love more.” -Henry David Thoreau
  • “…I deeply believe that the path to happiness in a relationship is not just about finding someone who you think is going to make you happy. Rather, the reverse is equally true: the path to happiness is about finding someone whose happiness is worth devoting yourself to.” -Clayton Christensen, How Will You Measure Your Life?
  • “You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting.” -John Gottman, psychologist
“Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.” -Liz Mineo, Harvard Gazette, April 11, 2017 (summarizing the findings of the Grant Study of Adult Development)
“Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can’t get

Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?
You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late”
-excerpts from the song “Desperado” by The Eagles

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

Elevate Your Life with a Strong Personal Core

by

Article Summary: 

We all want to have a good quality of life but too often we don’t know how to get it, especially given the demands we face. Here we identify how you can elevate your quality of life with a strong personal core, a foundation that includes contentment, happiness, meaning, gratitude, and more.

+++

In a world full of pressure and constant change, it’s easy to get pulled in a dozen directions—reacting to demands and losing sight of what truly matters. Without a strong personal core, you risk drifting or living by someone else’s script. But when you anchor your life in clarity about who you are, what you value, and what gives you meaning, you can elevate your quality of life.

Here are nine building blocks of a strong personal core:

 

Contentment

Do you have a sense of peace and satisfaction that comes from appreciating what you have in the present moment? A calm confidence that your life, as it is right now, has value and meaning?

Contentment grounds you in the present, helping you savor life rather than merely chase what’s next. When you cultivate contentment, you reduce inner friction, judgment, and comparison, creating space for gratitude, joy, and authentic living. It stabilizes your emotional foundation, allowing you to pursue purpose and growth from a place of ease rather than restlessness or neediness.

What will you do to bring more contentment into your life?

 

Happiness

Do you have a genuine and strong sense of wellbeing and contentment that comes from feeling at ease with yourself and your life? A deep, enduring satisfaction and joy?

Happiness is an essential part of your personal core because it acts as both a compass and a fuel. When you cultivate it, you create a foundation for making choices that honor your core values, deepen your connections, and bring meaning to your life. Without nurturing happiness, other aspects of your personal core can feel harder to access. (See my article, “What Leads to Happiness?”)

Happiness is “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.” -Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California, Riverside psychologist and happiness researcher

What will you do to bring more happiness into your life?

 

Meaning

Do you have a strong and deep sense that your life has significance—that your actions and experiences contribute to something larger than yourself?

“Meaning in life refers to the feeling that people have that their lives and experience make sense and matter.”
-Dr. Michael Steger, Colorado State University

Meaning can give you direction and motivation. When you cultivate meaning, even challenges and setbacks can feel purposeful. Your daily actions gain coherence and richness. It acts as a guiding star, helping you prioritize what truly matters and live a life that’s aligned, intentional, and fulfilling.

What will you do to infuse your life with more meaning?

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Fulfillment

Do you have an enduring feeling of pleasure and satisfaction because you’re happy with your life? A sense that your life has been what you’ve expected or hoped for, even despite adversity?

When you cultivate fulfillment, you experience a lasting sense of accomplishment and direction that goes beyond fleeting success or external validation. It helps you make choices that honor your deepest priorities and live a life that feels harmonious, whole, and true.

What will you do to bring more fulfillment into your life?

 

Quality of Life

Taking stock of your quality of life regularly helps to brings clarity and intentionality to your journey. By evaluating key areas such as health, relationships, work, and personal growth, you can identify where you’re thriving and where you need to direct your attention.

This process is about awareness and action, not perfection. It helps you recognize patterns, celebrate wins, and address areas that are holding you back. Regularly assessing your quality of life empowers you to make informed choices, set relevant goals, and live with purpose and fulfillment. (See my article, “Taking Stock of Your Quality of Life.”)

What will you do to ensure you maintain a good quality of life?

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Joy

Joy is the feeling of lightness, delight, and exuberance that bubbles up when you engage with life in a way that resonates with your authentic essence. It’s more than happiness—it’s a deep, often spontaneous sense of aliveness and appreciation that energizes your mind, body, and spirit.

Joy summons the pleasures of living fully. When you nurture joy, you immerse yourself in the present moment and make it easier to approach challenges with optimism. It’s a spark that animates your purpose and deepens your relationships.

What will you do to bring more joy into your life?

 

Gratitude

Do you have a practice of noticing and appreciating the positive aspects of your life—both big and small? A mindset that helps you recognize and appreciate the value in experiences, relationships, and even challenges that help you grow?

Gratitude shifts your focus from what you’re missing to what you have. When you cultivate gratitude, you create the conditions for contentment and joy. (See my article, “20 Benefits of Gratitude.”)

What will you do to be thankful for what you have and keep a grateful heart?

 

Authentic Alignment

Are you living in “authentic alignment,” in which you’re being true to yourself and there’s a good fit between who you really are and how you live? Is there a good match between your inner world of your thoughts, hopes, and dreams and the outer world of what you’re doing in your home, workplace, and community? This alignment fosters a sense of integrity and coherence, allowing you to thrive mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Authentic alignment anchors you in your true self. When you’re aligned, you’re more likely to experience clarity, conviction, and contentment. Conversely, misalignment can lead to feelings of inauthenticity, anxiety, and disconnection. This can come from the traps of conformity, comparison, people-pleasing, and caring too much about what other people think. (See my article, “The Power of Authentic Alignment in Your Life.”)

What will you do to live a life of authentic alignment?

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

Spirituality

Are you cultivating a deeper connection to something greater than yourself? Engaged with matters of the human spirit or soul, as opposed to becoming overly consumed with material or physical things? Are you exploring life’s deeper questions and seeking alignment with your inner values and beliefs? Spirituality can manifest through practices like prayer, meditation, nature immersion, or acts of compassion, and it often involves a sense of transcendence.

Spirituality provides a sense of meaning, especially during challenging times. By nurturing your spiritual life, you can experience greater inner peace, resilience, and a deeper understanding of your place in the universe. It helps you transcend the ego and material distractions, fostering a life that is more intentional, connected, and fulfilling. For many people, spirituality is a lived practice—often experienced in community—rooted in connection, reflection, and shared meaning. It can involve surrendering to a higher power and embracing the gifts of forgiveness, redemption, and grace, creating space for healing and renewal. (See my article, “On Spirituality and the Good Life.”)

What will you do to nurture your spiritual life?

 

Conclusion

You don’t build a strong personal core overnight. You cultivate it over time through small, consistent choices that honor what matters most. It’s about nurturing contentment, happiness, and joy; fostering meaning; checking in on the quality of your life; practicing gratitude; embodying authentic alignment; and deepening your spirituality.

In our busy and noisy modern world, this work can feel challenging, but it’s well worth it. Give yourself grace along the way, and remember: even amid life’s pressures, a strong core will help elevate your life.

Wishing you well with it—and let me know if I can help.
–Gregg

 

Tools for You

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Related Articles

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Personal Core and Quality of Life

  • “Let us consider the way in which we spend our lives.” -Henry David Thoreau
  • “Every day we have decisions to make about how we want to live…. We must take charge of how we spend our days…. Otherwise, we may one day wake up to find ourselves brilliantly situated for a life we do not want.” -Christopher Gergen and Gregg Vanourek in LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives
  • “Life goes by so very fast, my dears, and taking the time to reflect, even once a year, slows things down. We zoom past so many seconds, minutes, hours, killing them with the frantic way we live that it’s important we take at least this one collective sigh and stop, take stock, and acknowledge our place in time before diving back into the melee.” -Hillary DePiano, New Year’s Thieve
  • “Think about the metric by which your life will be judged, and make a resolution to live every day so that in the end, your life will be judged a success.” -Clayton Christensen

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

The Most Common Myths about Passion and Work

by

Just follow your passion. Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life. So goes the common advice from scads of college graduation speeches. As if it were so simple. Is it good advice? How can you find your passion anyway? What are the most common myths about passion and work? And what are the realities that bust those myths?

It helps to start with what passions are and aren’t. Researchers have defined passions as strong inclinations toward activities you value and like or love, and in which you invest your time and energy. I like to think of passions as the things that consume you with palpable emotion over time.

Signs of passion at work (whether paid or volunteer or in the household or with children) include:

  1. Loving what you do
  2. Talking often about what you like about your work
  3. Working extra even when you don’t have to

Passion Probe

Our passions are the things that consume us with palpable emotion over time. We love doing them and talk about them often. Take this self-assessment to find the ones that resonate most with you.

Find Your Passion

 

Myths about Passion and Work

For many people, the advice about following your passion feels confusing and unrealistic—and in some cases even discouraging. In fact, some of the most common messages about passion and work are based on myths that will hold you back instead of helping you move forward. Let’s set the record straight and unpack those myths.

 

Myth: You should just know what your passion is.

Reality: Many people struggle with this. The idea of finding their passion feels overwhelming. For most, passion doesn’t strike like a lightning bolt with instant clarity. Many people try out different interests for a number of years. Those who do discover their passion often go through long periods during which it wasn’t obvious.

 

Myth: You really need to find your passion.

Reality: Finding your passion isn’t the best way to think about it for many people. Business owner and author Emily Perron notes that for many people it feels like a frustrating “wild goose chase.” According to University of Pennsylvania psychology professor Angela Duckworth, passions tend to be developed more than they’re discovered, and they usually develop and deepen over time.

Finding something suggests a search with a set endpoint, or that it’s out there for you to just come upon. Developing something, by contrast, calls for growing it or causing it to grow and become more mature.

In reality, you’re likely to notice that you have certain interests and that some of these can become passions when you keep pursuing those interests long enough. Many people give up before reaching that point due to a lack of focus or discipline, a belief that work is a grind that you just endure so you can pay the bills, or settling for work that’s just okay. (Note: In advanced economies, the average person spends about 90,000 hours at work.)

 

Myth: You need to find your passion when you’re young.

Reality: For many people, passions take time to discover (and then develop and deepen). And that’s okay. That just makes your passions richer, and it helps you appreciate them.

Very few people discover their passion early in life and stick with it consistently. As we grow and gain new experiences, our interests naturally shift—and so do our passions.

With passions, as with so many things, the path is winding.

The pressure to figure it all out early in life can lead to frustration from feeling “behind” and choosing things for reasons that won’t hold up well over time. In truth, your interests and values evolve over time. It’s not a race. Instead, it’s a process of growth and discovery that tends to go much better with a blend of action and reflection, including significant time in what I call “discover mode.”

“…we may try many different jobs looking for the right ‘fit,’ the role that instantly flips the passion switch, and we may not take into account the fact that it often takes time to develop one’s passion for a job, along with the skills, confidence, and relationships that allow one to experience passion for work.”
-Jon M. Jachimowicz, “3 Reasons It’s So Hard to ‘Follow Your Passion,’” Harvard Business Review, October 15, 2019

 

Myth: Only certain kinds of jobs are amenable to passion.

(Examples: working in education, health care, social justice, the environment, etc.—or for world-changing startups or social enterprises.)*

Reality: You can integrate your passions into almost any job. Of course, if you do a good job and show that you’re a reliable and productive team member operating with integrity, that typically earns you more autonomy, respect, and credibility. But this can vary depending on how supportive your manager or team are.

Think about what makes work enjoyable, meaningful, and rewarding for you. With that lens, it’s not just about your passion for the work itself but also a number of other things, including autonomy, flexibility, financial security, benefits, healthy work environments, camaraderie, skill, flow, values, purpose, and impact.

Sure, many people are passionate about social issues, groups, or causes. But others are passionate about activities or skills (e.g., analyzing, coaching, coding, communication, data mining, editing, facilitating, healing, leading, parenting, problem-solving, etc.). There are passionate people in every field, industry, and sector.

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

Myth: You only have one passion.

Reality: You can have multiple passions, and they can change over time. You may find joy in a number of pursuits. Don’t lock yourself into just one path. Instead, explore all the things that spark real curiosity or motivation.

“When I stopped trying so darn hard to find my one, true passion that I could shape my life around,
I discovered the beauty of multi-pursuits of multi-passions.”
-Emily Perron, business owner and author

 

Myth: Everyone wants their passion incorporated into their job.

Reality: According to the research of University of Pennsylvania Professor Amy Wrzesniewski and others, people have different orientations toward their work (i.e., viewing it as a job, career, or calling). Those with a job orientation view work as means to an end. They work for pay and benefits to support their family and hobbies, and they prefer jobs that don’t interfere with personal life. They’re not as likely to have a strong connection to work as those with a career or calling orientation.

Also, when you turn your passion into your work, there’s a risk of stealing some of its magic as you get bogged down in deadlines and deliverables.

“Some people thrive when they find joy in how they earn a living, but others are at peace with less emotional connection to their work and instead relish the joy in their passions outside their nine-to-five.”
-David Anderson, business executive

 

Myth: Following your passion will lead you to success.

Reality: It’s not entirely wrong, but it’s vastly oversimplified and incomplete. Truth be told, it’s not enough to follow your passions. Your passions can be big performance drivers because of the fiery intensity and enduring commitment that they can help engender, but in our competitive world you still need a business model. You need to add value and do things that others are willing to pay you for—and spread the word about who you can help and how in a noisy world. Meanwhile, not all passions are well-suited to being your primary occupation or to generating your required income.

 

Myth: A passion should last forever.

Reality: Your passions must be tended to, or they might wither and die. They can fade over time as you go through different seasons of life. Two things can help prevent that:

  1. purpose: when you connect your passions to a deeper sense of meaning, you tap into a more sustainable source of energy.
  2. novelty: exploring fresh ways to engage your passions—with new people or in different contexts—can keep them vibrant and alive.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Myth: Pursuing your passion is selfish.**

Reality: As activist and writer Courtney Christenson has pointed out, neglecting your passion(s) prevents the people closest to you from knowing who you are and what drives you. It also limits your ability to make a meaningful impact, live a life of authentic alignment, and inspire others in the process.

“When you don’t pursue your passion it robs your family of truly, deeply knowing you. It robs your spouse from seeing your true self. It robs your children of their most powerful role model. (If you want them to grow up and pursue their passions, you need to show them how.) It robs the world of your voice, influence, and change-making potential. And most importantly, it robs you of truly living.” -Courtney Christenson, activist and writer

 

Myth: You have to find your passion early in life in order to be truly great at it.

Reality: You can discover, develop, and deepen a passion at virtually any stage of life—and still develop mastery with it. Examples abound, including Morgan Freeman, Toni Morrison, Samuel L. Jackson, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Ray Kroc, Colonel Sanders, Julia Child, Vera Wang, and countless others. It’s a trap to think it’s too late to develop your passions.

 

Myth: You’ll be successful and happy if you follow your passion.

Reality: Integrating your passions into your life and work can be powerfully rewarding and gratifying, but there’s much more to happiness. What about things like anticipation, savoring, gratitude, purpose, service, and healthy relationships?

 

Conclusion

There are many myths about passion and work that can lead you astray. It’s not as simple as just following your passion. Passion alone is not enough. But it may also be a big mistake for you to ignore or neglect your passions.

Passions can be a powerful part of the equation when it comes to productive and enjoyable work as well as happiness and fulfillment. But only part of the equation. Ideally, you’re wise to buttress your passions with your strengths, values, and purpose on the one hand and helping others while filling market needs with an effective business model on the other hand.

Here’s to finding ways to meet your financial needs and fulfill your obligations to your family or others while also integrating your passions into your life and work.

 

Tools for You

Passion Probe

Our passions are the things that consume us with palpable emotion over time. We love doing them and talk about them often. Take this self-assessment to find the ones that resonate most with you.

Find Your Passion

 

Related Articles & Books

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Passions

  • “Never underestimate the vital importance of finding early in life the work that for you is play. This turns possible underachievers into happy warriors.” -Ken Robinson, The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything
  • “When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.” -Jean Shinoda Bolen, psychiatrist
  • “Allow yourself to be silently guided by that which you love the most.” -Rumi, 13th century poet and Sufi mystic
  • “If there is any difference between you and me, it may simply be that I get up every day and have a chance to do what I love to do, every day. If you want to learn anything from me, this is the best advice I can give you.” -Warren Buffett, investor
  • “I did it for the buzz. I did it for the pure joy of the thing. And if you can do it for the joy, you can do it forever.” -Stephen King, writer
  • “Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you.” -Oprah Winfrey, media entrepreneur, author, and philanthropist
  • “The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” -Steve Jobs, co-founder, Apple
  • “If you don’t love what you’re doing, you’ll lose to someone who does! For every person who is half-hearted about their work or relationships, there is someone else who loves [it]. This person will work harder and longer. They will outrun you.” -Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson, Success Built to Last
  • “The key to creating passion in your life is to find your unique talents, and your special role and purpose in the world. It is essential to know yourself before you decide what work you want to do.” -Stephen R. Covey, author, executive, and teacher
  • “The conventional wisdom on career success—follow your passion—is seriously flawed. It not only fails to describe how most people actually end up with compelling careers, but for many people it can actually make things worse: leading to chronic job shifting and unrelenting angst when one’s reality inevitably falls shorts of the dream.” -Cal Newport, So Good They Can’t Ignore You
  • “You may think that you’ve lost your passion, or that you can’t identify it, or that you have so much of it, it threatens to overwhelm you. None of these is true.” -Steven Pressfield, Do the Work
  • “…my recommendation would be follow your contribution. Find the thing that you’re great at, put that into the world, contribute to others, help the world be better and that is the thing to follow.” -Ben Horowitz, 2015 commencement address
  • “…expressing your passion can be beneficial because others admire you more and may help you become more successful. At the same time, it may also make it more likely they will ask you to take on tasks that fall outside of narrow job descriptions, placing you at risk of stretching yourself too thin and burning out.” -Jon M. Jachimowicz, “3 Reasons It’s So Hard to ‘Follow Your Passion,’” Harvard Business Review, October 15, 2019
  • “The message to find your passion is generally offered with good intentions, to convey: Do not worry so much about talent, do not bow to pressure for status or money, just find what is meaningful and interesting to you. Unfortunately, the belief system this message may engender can undermine the very development of people’s interests.” -O’Keefe PA, Dweck CS, Walton GM. Implicit Theories of Interest: Finding Your Passion or Developing It? Psychol Sci. 2018 Oct;29(10):1653-1664.

* Computer science professor and author Cal Newport made this point in his book, Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World.

** Many women struggle with this myth, in part due to gender stereotypes and cultural conditioning.

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

The Biggest Mistakes New Graduates Make

by

Dear new graduate: Congratulations and hats off to you! You’ve come a long way and reached a major milestone in your life.

Maybe you’ve been so busy finishing assignments and getting to graduation that you haven’t taken much time to think about what comes next. (If so, you’re not alone!)

With that in mind, here are some of the biggest mistakes new graduates make:

❌ Putting too much pressure on yourself to have it all figured out right away.

❌ Committing too early to a career path without vetting it deeply and remaining open to new and better possibilities.

❌ Not clarifying what’s important to you when it comes to work. (In addition to pay, for example, what about opportunities for learning and growth, a vibrant culture, chances to work with great people, or meaningful work?)

❌ Not doing nearly enough vetting of the organizations you’re considering working with (including their values and culture, your manager, and career path). (See my article, “How to Find a Great Organization to Work For.”)

❌ Accepting other people’s definition of success instead of defining it for yourself.

❌ Living someone else’s life.

❌ Defining yourself by comparison, as opposed to by your own core values and guiding lights.

❌ Defining self-worth by your accomplishments.

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

❌ Spending your best years and trading your precious life energy on dubious things.

❌ Succeeding at something that doesn’t really matter to you.

❌ Not taking stock of your quality of life regularly.

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
-Socrates, ancient Greek philosopher

❌ Chasing status and prestige in your work because of how it will make you look in the eyes of others. (See my article, “The Powerful Pull of the Prestige Magnet.”)

“An easy way to pick the wrong career is to put your image above your interests and identity. A motivating job isn’t the one that makes you look important. It’s the one that makes you feel alive. Meaningful work isn’t about impressing others. It’s about expressing your values.” -Adam Grant, organizational psychologist

❌ Assuming that “climbing the ladder” is the point of work. (See my TEDx talk on LIFE entrepreneurship and “climbing mode” versus “discover mode.”)

❌ Viewing your career as a race against your peers. (See my article, “Feeling Behind? It May Be a Trap.”)

❌ Focusing too much on material comfort and financial gain and not enough on happiness, love, personal growth, and spiritual depth. (See my article, “Beware the Disease of More.”)

❌ Assuming that worldly success will fill you up.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

❌ Giving too much of yourself or your time away to unreasonable bosses or unacceptable circumstances.

❌ Staying too long in a job that’s not a good fit or with a bad manager.

❌ Letting your life get overly full and cluttered, with not enough white space.

❌ Letting work consume too much of your life.

“…the problem isn’t how hard you’re working, it’s that you’re working on things that aren’t right for you.
Your goals and motivations aren’t harmonizing with your deepest truth.”
-Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity

❌ Not honoring your commitments to those you belong to.

❌ Losing touch with your close friends.

❌ Playing it safe in your career and not taking enough risks early on while you have more time, freedom, and flexibility—perhaps playing small out of fear.

“So many of us choose our paths in life out of fear disguised as practicality.”
-Jim Carrey, comedian and actor

❌ Thinking you’re done learning now that you have a degree.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

❌ Falling into bad habits that will cause you to waste a lot of time or drift away from your values.

❌ Not taking charge of your free time, perhaps because you’re so drained from work.

❌ Letting yourself become cynical and jaded. (See my article, “Guard Your Heart.”)

❌ Making decisions or taking actions that aren’t in line with your core values and top priorities.

❌ Not giving more of yourself to others.

❌ Neglecting opportunities for fun and adventure in your life.

❌ Not daring to put your own distinctive stamp on your workplace, community, and world.

Personal Values Exercise

Complete this exercise to identify your personal values. It will help you develop self-awareness, including clarity about what’s most important to you in life and work, and serve as a safe harbor for you to return to when things are tough.

Take the Exercise

 

Conclusion

When it comes to navigating the early chapters of your career, it’s easy to focus on what other people expect of you and get lost in what our larger culture values. But it’s far better to get busy becoming who you really are.

It’s easy to get caught up in playing the short game instead of the long one—with a broader perspective on what’s important in life and what would be a life well lived.

Before you get too busy with the hustle and bustle of life and work, take the time to get to know yourself well—including your core values, strengths, passions, and vision of the good life. And learn to trust yourself as you craft a life you’ll be proud of.

Wishing you well with it—and let me know if I can help.
–Gregg

 

Tools for You

Strengths Search

We all have core strengths–the things in which we most excel. Take this self-assessment to determine your core strengths so you can integrate them more into your life and work.

Find Your Strengths

 

Related Articles & Resources

Postscript: Inspirations for New Graduates

  • “Big career decisions don’t come with a map, but all you need is a compass. In an unpredictable world, you can’t make a master plan. You can only gauge whether you’re on a meaningful path. The right next move is the one that brings you a step closer to living your core values.” -Adam Grant, professor
  • “One of the things is putting pressure on having that perfect solution lined up. While we should dream big, sometimes we need to make smaller moves and small experiments to build confidence and gather data and grow more organically in a new direction. In reality, what works is getting anchored in existing strengths and experiences and have a general feeling of success. There is no real way to know the answers up to the front of what to pursue next in our careers unless we’re running small tests and learning from them.” -Jenny Blake, author and podcaster
  • “One of the best pieces of advice for young people is, Get to yourself quickly. If you know what you want to do, start doing it.” -David Brooks, The Second Mountain
  • “The deepest vocational question is not ‘What ought I to do with my life?’ It is the more elemental and demanding ‘Who am I? What is my nature?’” -Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak
  • “…the secret of career satisfaction lies in doing what you enjoy most. A few lucky people discover this secret early in life, but most of us are caught in a kind of psychological wrestling match, torn between what we think we can do, what we (or others) feel we ought to do, and what we think we want to do. Our advice? Concentrate instead on who you are, and the rest will fall into place.” -Paul D. Tieger, Barbara Barron, and Kelly Tieger, Do What You Are
  • “Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.” -Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha)
  • “If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.” -Stephen R. Covey, educator and author
  • “Go to work for an organization or people you admire. It will turn you on. You ought to be happy where you are working. I always worry about people who say, ‘I’m going to do this for 10 years’ and ‘I’m going to do 10 more years of this.’ That’s a little like saving sex for your old age. Not a very good idea. Get right into what you enjoy.” -Warren Buffett, investor
  • “Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.” –Steve Jobs, co-founder, Apple
  • “Shadow Career is the term used to describe people who go on an alternative path from their true dream because they’ve given up on themselves.” -Dr. Benjamin Hardy, Be Your Future Self Now
  • “I don’t have a problem with what you do, that’s your choice. What I have a problem with is you lying to yourself about why you’re doing the things you’re doing. You have a choice.” -Jerry Colonna, co-founder and CEO, Reboot
  • “In our time, we workers are being called to reexamine our work: how we do it; whom it is helping or hurting; what it is we do; and what we might be doing if we were to let go of our present work and follow a deeper call.” -Matthew Fox, Episcopal priest and theologian
  • “We spend far too much time at work for it not to have deep meaning.” -Satya Nadella, CEO, Microsoft
  • “Don’t aim at success—the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue… as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself.” -Victor Frankl, psychologist, author, and Holocaust survivor
  • “…God is calling you to serve Him in and from the ordinary, material, and secular activities of human life. He waits for us every day, in the laboratory, in the operating theatre, in the army barracks, in the university chair, in the factory, in the workshop, in the fields, in the home and in all the immense panorama of work. Understand this well: there is something holy, something divine, hidden in the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each one of you to discover it.” -Josemaria Escriva, Conversations
  • “Unhappy is he who depends on success to be happy. For such a person, the end of a successful career is the end of the line.” -Alex Dias Ribeiro, former Formula 1 race-car driver
  • “What shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” -Mark (8:36)
  • “Discovering vocation doesn’t mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond your reach, but rather accepting the treasure that you have been given. But make no mistake about it, well-meaning people around you—friends, family work associates, and others—will push you to run someone else’s race.” -Nicholas Pearce, pastor and professor
  • “Today I understand vocation quite differently—not as a goal to be achieved but as a gift to be received. Discovering vocation does not mean scrambling toward some prize just beyond my reach but accepting the treasure of true self I already possess. Vocation does not come from a voice ‘out there’ calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice ‘in here’ calling me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God.” -Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak
  • “…I (like many others) felt a wrongness in the world, a wrongness that seeped through the cracks of my privileged, insulated childhood…. Life, I knew, was supposed to be more joyful than this, more real, more meaningful, and the world was supposed to be more beautiful. We were not supposed to hate Mondays and live for the weekends and holidays…. We were not supposed to be kept indoors on a beautiful day, day after day.” -Charles Eisenstein, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible
  • “Your career is like a garden. It can hold an assortment of life’s energy that yields a bounty for you. You do not need to grow just one thing in your garden. You do not need to do just one thing in your career.” -Jennifer Ritchie Payette, author

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Crafting Your Life & Work online course or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

Thriving Amidst Chaos and Uncertainty: 12 Tips

by

Are you facing chaos and uncertainty in your life and work now? Finding it hard to manage things or lead? You’re not alone.

You may have noticed a few disruptions lately:

  • economic instability (including tariff uncertainty and supply chain disruptions)
  • political polarization and the erosion of democratic norms
  • technological disruption (including AI risks, scams, deepfakes, and more)
  • geopolitical conflicts (including wars in Ukraine and the Middle East)
  • climate change and extreme weather events

Such disruptions come and go, but if you let them, they can have brutal impacts on your life, work, and leadership. Chaos and uncertainty can cause:

  • anxiety and stress
  • bad decisions
  • lost energy
  • blocked creativity
  • damage to your health
  • harm to your relationships
  • burnout
  • lost perspective
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.” -Paolo Coelho, Brazilian novelist

Can you keep a level head despite all the challenges? Can you maintain your quality of life?

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Can You Become a Clutch Player?

One way to think about this comes from the world of sports. “Clutch players” are those who consistently perform well when there’s a lot on the line. Think of athletes known for performing remarkably well even under high pressure:

Biles, Bolt, Borg, Brady, Curry, Federer, Gretzky, Hamm, Jokic, Jordan, Jeter, Kobe, LeBron, Messi, Montana, Navratilova, Pele, Ronaldo, Serena, Steffi, Tiger, Wambach

Like these greats, how can you stay calm in the storm?

 

How to Thrive amidst Chaos and Uncertainty

Here are 12 major things you can do to thrive in life and work amidst chaos and uncertainty:

 

Develop a Routine

Routines help you maintain a sense of normalcy. They give your life a rhythm and sense of stability even during jumbled days. Keep a consistent sleep schedule and exercise schedule, take regular breaks, and set clear work spans.

 

Lean on Good Habits

What helps get your mind off work? What energizes you? What restores and replenishes you? Is it walks? Reading? Hiking? Meditation? Prayer? Gardening? Yoga? Music? Lean on your good habits and you’ll find that they help you weather the storm.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Take Care of Your Health

Your health should be a non-negotiable top priority. You’ll need it all the more when things are in disarray. Don’t neglect these essential health practices:

  • Exercise & Movement: commit to daily movement—whether it’s a walk, stretch, or workout—to ground your mind, release stress, and reclaim a sense of control. It’s deeply restorative on many levels.
  • Food & Nutrition: nourish your body with a diverse array of natural foods to boost your energy and fuel your mind with essential nutrients and hydration.
  • Sleep: have a calming bedtime routine and stick to a consistent schedule, giving your mind and body the reset they need to face each day’s challenges. Poor sleep will only dampen your mood and prevent you from responding effectively to difficulties.
  • Getting Outside and Being in Nature: step outside—even briefly—to clear your head and notice the beauty around you. The natural rhythm of things. Go on walks, hikes, runs, bikes, or park, lake, or beach visits. And why not with a friend?

 

Connect with Friends and Loved Ones

Spending time with a trusted friend or colleague can raise your spirits and help you see challenges from a new perspective. The same is true for mutual support groups. (See our article, “The Power of Small Groups—And How to Run Them.”) Healthy support systems are like strong roots that keep you grounded, especially when life feels uncertain. Resist the temptation to shrink back into a cocoon. Loneliness and isolation are insidious.

 

Focus on What You Can Control

Uncertainty often triggers anxiety. You may feel like you’re losing control or unable to cope. Redirect your energy to things within your influence—like your schedule, mindset, habits, and responses.

 

Return to Your Safe Harbor

What are the things that ground you and bring you back home to yourself when there are stormy seas?

  • Do you have a clear sense of your purpose—of why you’re here and why you get up in the morning?
  • Are you aware of your core values—what’s most important to you and your core beliefs—and are you upholding them in your life?
  • To what extent are you using your strengths in your life and work?
  • Are you integrating your passions—things that consumes you with palpable emotion over time—into your life and work regularly?
  • To what extent are you engaging deeply with your faith or spirituality (e.g., through prayer, worship, contemplation, sanctuary, nature appreciation, fasting, or other practices and traditions)?

Personal Values Exercise

Complete this exercise to identify your personal values. It will help you develop self-awareness, including clarity about what’s most important to you in life and work, and serve as a safe harbor for you to return to when things are tough.

Take the Exercise

 

Have a Bias toward Action

Avoid the trap of analysis paralysis. It’s likely to accelerate your anxiety. Choosing action over endless deliberation helps you regain momentum through the power of progress. Even small steps forward build confidence and reveal new learnings or possibilities.

 

Maintain Perspective

Rise above the fray and see the bigger picture to avoid getting lost in the weeds of confusion and setbacks. Recall that challenges are only part of the journey and not the whole story.

 

Keep Growing and Giving

Continue learning new skills. Reflect on what life may be teaching you. And don’t stop giving to others in ways large or small. When you remain committed to growth and generosity, you can shift from feeling powerless to purposeful.

 

Reframe Challenges as Growth Opportunities

Reframe things from difficulties or defeats to challenges or opportunities. Chances to learn and grow. Watch how managing your mindset can build your confidence and fuel your motivation.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Keep Your Hope Alive

Despite all the chaos and uncertainty, can you maintain a powerful and abiding hope that you’ll be okay and that things will get better if you stay the course and do your best? Why not choose hope and faith over resignation and despair?

 

Take Full Responsibility

Things may be tough for you now, and you may not have much visibility into how things will work out. Even so, are you taking full responsibility for the choices you make and for the conditions of your life—regardless of what has happened and why? It’s still your life to lead as you see fit.

 

More Things You Can Do

Beyond the major things above, there are also smaller but still impactful things you can do to help navigate the chaos and uncertainty. For example:

 

Conclusion

In the midst of all the chaos and uncertainty around us, you have more power than you think. Power to survive and thrive. By leading yourself well and engaging in renewal practices, you can create order and stability from the inside out. These practices don’t stop the storms, but they help you stand strong through them.

Will you be unstable and unmoored or resilient and ready for whatever life brings you? The choice is yours. Here’s to thriving amidst chaos and uncertainty. Wishing you well with it.
–Gregg

 

Tools for You

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Related Articles

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Thriving amidst Chaos and Uncertainty

  • “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it and join the dance.” -Alan Watts, British philosopher
  • “In life itself, there is a time to seek inner peace, a time to rid oneself of tension and anxiety. The moment comes when the striving must let up, when wisdom says, ‘Be quiet.’ You’ll be surprised how the world keeps on revolving without your pushing it. And you’ll be surprised how much stronger you are the next time you decide to push.” -John W. Gardner, public official and political reformer
  • “Having a readily available sanctuary provides an indispensable physical anchor and source of sustenance. Too often under stress and pressed for time, our sources of sanctuary are the first places we give up.” -Ronald A. Heifetz and Marty Linsky, leadership authors
  • “At a deeper level, we need ‘sanctuary’ in our lives: places and practices of peace that restore our hearts. Places of quiet and tranquility. Together, renewal and sanctuary can lead to serenity. Beyond the striving, beyond the chase, beyond the willfulness, there is an acceptance, a yielding, a comfort with the present moment and a willingness to see things for what they are and ride with the flow of life. The serenity beyond the stress and struggle.” -Gregg Vanourek, “Ten Keys to Self-Leadership”

Crafting Your Life and Work Course

Regain clarity, direction, and motivation for your next chapter, starting with a powerful foundation of self-awareness and commitment to your values and aspirations.

Learn More

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Best Articles or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

The Problem with Complacency

by

Complacency is one of the most dangerous and devious traps we can fall into. It lulls us into a false sense of comfort, blinding us to the risks we should be addressing and the growth we could be pursuing. Whether it’s our health, relationships, career, or leadership, complacency keeps us stuck instead of moving forward.

Examples abound. For instance, a worker might stay in a role she’s outgrown, missing out on more challenging and fulfilling opportunities. A manager may ignore early signs of conflict among team members, allowing tensions to escalate. A husband might stop expressing appreciation for his wife. Sure enough, she starts to feel unseen and undervalued.

 

The Signs of Complacency

When you’re complacent, you start to take things for granted and slip into routines that make life feel monotonous. You stick with what you know and slowly stop pushing yourself.

Are you taking the easy way?
Resisting change?
Avoiding risk?
Do you feel your drive dulling and your spark dimming?

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

The Problem with Complacency

Over time, this will deflate your ambition and lead to drifting and settling in life. Comfort and satisfaction aren’t bad. They’re actually essential parts of a fulfilling life. But if you have too much of them, you may stop growing and dreaming. And you may no longer be in pursuit of what truly matters. Complacency can be a silent threat to your well-being, growth, and performance.

Here are 8 downsides of complacency, along with the deeper problems they cause:

1. Complacency can sap your motivation. When you become too comfortable, you stop feeling the urgency or desire to strive for more. Without motivation, you stop reaching for your potential and stagnate.

2. Complacency can lead to inaction when action is warranted. It lulls you into believing everything is fine, even when you need a change. As a result, you miss critical moments when decisive steps could make a difference.

3. Complacency can prevent you from making needed improvements. You may ignore areas where growth or progress is possible because you feel things are “good enough.” This mindset keeps you from evolving and advancing.

4. Complacency can dilute your initiative. You start to settle and no longer believe that better outcomes are possible or worth pursuing. Over time, it drains the life out of you as you lose more and more hope.

5. Complacency can lead to mediocre or poor performance. By not challenging yourself, you operate below your capabilities. You begin to accept average as your standard. In the process, you start losing your credibility and the respect of others (and yourself).

6. Complacency can lead to missed opportunities. You fail to prepare and position yourself for what’s ahead. You miss your window of opportunity. Exciting rewards elude you.

7. Complacency can derail your career. In fast-moving environments, staying still equates to falling behind. Without adaptation, you lose your edge and risk becoming irrelevant or overlooked. You become a casualty of change and disruption.

8. Complacency can lead to living by default, to not really choosing the life you’re living. Are you letting life happen to you instead of shaping it? This can lead to a sense of dissatisfaction and regret. To a life far from the one you really want.

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Conclusion

The complacency trap can quietly steal some of your most valuable assets—the drive to grow and achieve and the deep fulfillment that comes from putting yourself on the line and attempting hard things. It’s a subtle danger because it’s natural to seek peace and comfort.

But between passive ease and frantic striving lies something powerful—a place of purposeful living, meaningful action, and arousing adventure. That’s where you can thrive—pursuing what matters and making a difference while cherishing the time you’ve been given.

Wishing you well with it—and let me know if I can help.
–Gregg Vanourek

 

Reflection Questions

  1. What are you complacent about?
  2. How is it undermining you?
  3. What will you do about it, starting today?

 

Tools for You

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Related Articles

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Complacency

  • “Never be passive about your life… ever, ever.” -Robert Egger, social entrepreneur and activist
  • “The life you have left is a gift. Cherish it. Enjoy it now, to the fullest. Do what matters, now.” -Leo Babauta, founder, Zen Habits
  • “Complacency keeps you living a comfortable life… not the life you desire. Challenge yourself to do something different. Then, notice the new charged quality of your life.” -Nina Amir, writer
  • “Just floating along from one year to the next, accepting things as they present themselves without question or intention, is a surefire recipe for dissatisfaction and despair in later life. Living the default life is… living a life that isn’t really of our own choosing. It’s living a life that inevitably gives rise to questions like ‘Where did all the time go?’ ‘How did my life pass so quickly?’ and ‘Why did I squander my one precious opportunity for living?’” -Richard Leider and David Shapiro, Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Old? The Path of Purposeful Aging
  • “The tragedy of life is often not in our failure, but rather in our complacency; not in our doing too much, but rather in our doing too little; not in our living above our ability, but rather in our living below our capacities.” -Benjamin E. Mays, activist and rights leader
  • “There is no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” -Nelson Mandela, South African anti-apartheid activist and politician
  • “Complacency is a blight that saps energy, dulls attitudes, and causes a drain in the brain. The first symptom is satisfaction with things as they are. The second is rejection of things it as they might be. ’Good enough’ becomes days today’s watchword and tomorrow’s standard.” -Alex and Brett Harris
  • “So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” -Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

Gregg Vanourek’s Newsletter

Join our rapidly growing community. Sign up now and get monthly inspirations (new articles, opportunities, and resources). Welcome!

Sign Up Now

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Best Articles or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

The Problem with Avoidance

by

Avoidance is a natural coping mechanism that can protect us from danger. But when it’s overused, as in putting off difficult tasks or dodging hard conversations, it can backfire and make things worse.

It’s a common phenomenon. A manager avoids dealing with a worker’s toxic behavior because it’s a high performer. A worker avoids asking for a raise because it’s uncomfortable. A husband ignores growing signs of his wife’s dissatisfaction. A wife settles for a lack of connection and intimacy. Both partners feel unappreciated but never express their needs.

When you’re in avoidance mode, you’re deliberately steering clear of thoughts, feelings, or situations that are unpleasant, difficult, or threatening. For now, you may be reducing your discomfort or anxiety, but you’re sure to pay a price for it down the road.

There are many things you might be avoiding. Conflict. Uncertainty. Difficult people. Uncomfortable emotions. Troubling health signs. Mounting debt and hard conversations about money.

Your avoidance may bring short-term relief, but over time it often causes more harm than good.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

The Problem with Avoidance

Here are some of the main repercussions of avoidance and why they matter.

Avoidance leaves the core problem unaddressed. Nothing actually gets resolved. The issue remains, often metastasizing.

“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”
-Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist

Avoidance can aggravate anxiety. Why? Because delaying action usually invites further trouble. As you lose control, your anxiety rises.

“Avoidance coping causes anxiety to snowball because when people use avoidance coping
they typically end up experiencing more of the very thing they were trying to escape.”
-Alice Boyes, PhD, author, The Anxiety Toolkit

Your avoidance frustrates others. They may feel ignored or dismissed, and they’ll resent having to deal with the fallout alone.

Avoidance often invites new conflicts. When you sidestep things, unresolved issues tend to resurface in other areas. So, it can bring more tensions into relationships, including resentment.

Avoidance can generate a vicious circle. The more you avoid, the harder it becomes to face things. You end up reinforcing a bad habit while allowing negative consequences.

Avoidance can become a way of life. You can become the kind of person who avoids hard things. That will limit your growth and impair your capacity to deal with challenges. And this will drive good people away.

Avoidance undermines your confidence and sense of power and agency. You end up taking a passive role instead of intentionally and boldly crafting your life and work.

Avoidance feeds your fears. It gives them power over you and makes you defensive and overly cautious. A recipe for mediocrity, or worse.

“It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.”
-Dr. Harriet Lerner, clinical psychologist

Avoidance can lead to numbing behaviors. Things like binge-watching, over-eating, over-working, or drinking. When doing things like this in excess, you’re taking refuge in distraction. Avoidance is a form of escapism.

Avoidance can inhibit your personal growth and prevent you from living up to your potential. When you duck challenges, you prevent yourself from developing problem-solving skills, emotional strength, and resilience.

Avoidance leads to complacency. Are you overly reliant on familiar routines? Falling into a rut?

Avoidance leads to missed opportunities. Difficult tasks, though often stressful, often lead to valuable experiences, connections, and surprising and substantial rewards.

Avoidance can lead to painful regret. Will you be haunted by “what ifs” in the future, and will you lament missed chances or unresolved problems? These can weigh heavily on you over time.

 

Conclusion

Though avoidance is natural, it often makes things worse. It fuels frustration, anxiety, conflict, and bad habits. Your confidence plummets, and your sense of agency dissipates.

What if you started addressing things head on, taking the bull by the horns? One decision, one action at a time, you can change the trajectory of your life.

Wishing you well with it, and let me know if I can help. (And for starters, check out my article, “How to Stop Avoiding Things: 17 Practices.”)
–Gregg Vanourek

“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.”
-Brendon Burchard, author

 

Reflection Questions

  1. What are you avoiding?
  2. How is it undermining you?
  3. What will you do about it, starting today?

 

Tools for You

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Related Articles & Books

Gregg Vanourek’s Newsletter

Join our rapidly growing community. Sign up now and get monthly inspirations (new articles, opportunities, and resources). Welcome!

Sign Up Now

 

+++++++++++++++++

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Best Articles or get his monthly newsletter. If you found value in this article, please forward it to a friend. Every little bit helps!

Purposeful Aging–Still Growing and Giving

by

Article Summary: 

People today are living much longer, yet we still have the old narrative about aging as decline. We need a new narrative focused on purposeful aging. Excerpts from my conversation with best-selling author, Richard Leider, in the wake of the publication of the 4th edition of The Power of Purpose: To Grow and to Give for Life, with David Shapiro.*

+++

Gregg Vanourek: 

Richard, I’ve always been fascinated by your Inventure Expeditions, where you’ve taken groups of people to Tanzania. Tell me about them.

 

Richard Leider: 

I started in 1983. I was on the board of Outward Bound. We climbed Mount Kilimanjaro to raise money for them. I fell in love with Tanzania. It wasn’t just the animals; it was the people and the place.

I started to go back and lead my own trips there in 1985, and I led them every year until COVID hit. I’m planning on going back. My co-leader, who runs a safari company there, and I are looking at what we’re going to do next.

Sitting around the fire with elders over there for decades, I’ve learned a lot about what it means to be an elder and what it takes to survive. The hunter-gatherers I sit around the fire with have survived for 75,000-plus years. How? It’s not through competition and outwitting and outmuscling the other tribes. It’s through sharing, through purpose—and what they do as elders sitting around the fire.

The wisest of the elders sits the closest to the fire. What that means to me is that they have the wisdom to help younger people figure out how to make a difference and how to survive and thrive in the future.

 

Gregg: 

It sounds like there’s a real ethic there of connecting across generations and of elders being honored and sharing wisdom in ways that many of us have lost in this society, where we have more mobile lives, and many narratives about aging that are negative.

You wrote about this in your last book, Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Old? The Path of Purposeful Aging, with David Shapiro. It’s an excellent book. What else can people in modern societies learn from the Maasai tribe and other things you’ve learned from your time in the Serengeti?

Richard: 

I’m a faculty member of the Modern Elder Academy, which Chip Conley created in Baja, Mexico and in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Chip said, What we really need are “menterns”: people who are both mentors and interns. I love that concept.

A mentor is somebody who can give something to younger people. And an intern is a learner. So, wise elders don’t just sit around the fire and pontificate. They’re also learners.

The future belongs to the learners, not the knowers.

I consider myself to be a learner. I know stuff and I can share what I know. But even more than that, I’m a learner. I’m learning all the time. I’m learning from you. You and I have shared ideas together, and we’ve learned from each other. I can mentor you, and you can mentor me. And I can learn from you, and you’re going to learn from me. It’s that combination, I think, that’s required right now in this world.

Take the Traps Test

We all fall into traps in life. Sometimes we’re not even aware of it, and we can’t get out of traps we don’t know we’re in. Evaluate yourself with our Traps Test.

Take the Test

 

Gregg: 

You and I are both very interested in the good life. We’ve talked about this before. In college, I took a philosophy and religion course called “Theories of the Good Life.” We studied it, and I wrote my own essay on what my view of the good life is. And my other philosophy professor encouraged me to live the big questions of life.

I think it was in your book, Repacking Your Bags, where you and David Shapiro gave a powerful definition of the good life: “living in the in the place you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work, on purpose.” Something like that. Can you say a little bit more about the place equation: living in the place you belong? How does place show up in a good life?

 

Richard: 

Place is where you live. Many people move to a warmer place because of the weather. And it’s great for a period of time. But what they really wanted was relationships, work, and purpose. We want health and money.

I talk about the three Ms. When you look at the good life, if you step back from it, there’s money, medicine, and meaning.

Many people have enough money and enough medicine, by which I mean health, to live a good life. But there’s a drag there. They’re unhappy, or they’re depressed, and it’s often because they don’t have enough of the third M, meaning.

Money, medicine, and meaning are fundamental to the good life. My co-author, David Shapiro, is a philosophy professor. We studied Aristotle, Plato, and others, and we looked at the good life from that period of time to now. That’s how we came up with the four factors of place, people, right work, and purpose as the things that are most essential.

 

Gregg: 

There are so many great thought leaders in this space. Viktor Frankl. William Damon. I want to ask you about Emily Esfahani-Smith and her book, The Power of Meaning. It’s a beautiful book. She says that part of that meaning equation is not only purpose but also storytelling and coherence: as we reflect on our life, we see the patterns that give us a sense of meaning in our lives. Do you think that’s a part of the equation here too?

Richard: 

Absolutely. I ask people, What’s your narrative? I co-created the Life Reimagined Institute at AARP. We looked at, What’s the narrative on aging, and how do we change it? Because in 1900, people died when they lived to age 47. Now the fastest growing cohort in the U.S. is 85 and over, and people are living well beyond that. So, people are living 20, 30, 40 years longer than they did in the past. What’s the narrative for that? Is it just about playing golf, going fishing, traveling, or being with your grandkids? It’s not. There needs to be a new narrative.

 

Gregg: 

My new body of work is focused on the common traps of living: What are the things that inhibit our happiness, our quality of life, our fulfillment? You’ve written about a “default life.” What’s a default life, and how is it negatively affecting us?

Quality of Life Assessment

Evaluate your quality of life in ten key areas by taking our assessment. Discover your strongest areas, and the areas that need work, then act accordingly.

Take the Assessment

 

Richard: 

I love that question. The default life is basically what I grew up with, and it goes like this:

Learn, earn, adjourn.

My Dad died at 68, two years after retiring. He had enough money and enough medicine, but I’m not sure he felt he had enough meaning. He worked for the same organization for 40 years, and he retired after that. He was an immigrant, and he had his struggles. He did okay, but then he didn’t, and he died. My mother lived another 10 years to age 78.

Dr. Becca Levy at Yale did a massive study that showed that people who had a positive view of aging live 7.5 years longer than people with a negative view of it. A negative view is like, Oh, this sucks. This is terrible. It’s all about decline.

So, what’s your narrative about aging? Do you think it’s possible that it could be a happier time of life? Or do you see it as a negative? Well, it has to do with health, has to do with place, has to do with people.

 

Gregg: 

What are some other common traps of living that inhibit people’s happiness, quality of life, or fulfillment?

 

Richard: 

The other thing is isolation. It’s fatal. It’s this notion that I can do it myself. I can do it alone, I’m cool, I’ve got it together. Going it alone is an incredibly bad idea. It’s a big trap. How do we get out of that trap?

I’m 80, and my wife is 77. We have a lot of friends and neighbors who are no longer growing and giving. If they’re not growing and giving and they’re not curious, we come home from dinner with them and go, What was that all about? They didn’t ask any questions. They weren’t curious and weren’t growing. They seem to be trapped in the rearview mirror.

I write about the rearview mirror versus the windshield. The windshield is 100 times bigger than the rearview mirror. How do people get out of the trap of the rearview mirror, just looking at the past and how they grew up? How do they let go of that? And how do they focus on the windshield, on what’s right in front of them and where they can go?

Personal Values Exercise

Complete this exercise to identify your personal values. It will help you develop self-awareness, including clarity about what’s most important to you in life and work, and serve as a safe harbor for you to return to when things are tough.

Take the Exercise

 

Gregg: 

It makes me think, Richard, that some people are postponing the things that they really want to do. They’re deferring their dreams. And some people are thinking it’s too late to do the things they really want to do.

 

Richard: 

Well, it’s never too late to make a difference in the lives of others. It drives me nuts when people just talk about their bucket list. I have bucket lists. I have things I want to do, but that’s not all my life’s all about.

What’s my life all about? It’s about purpose: Why are we here? What’s the point of this exercise called life? We’re here for a reason.

You get to decide, What’s the point? Why are you here, and why are you leading? What I know unequivocally is that why you lead determines how well you lead. Why you live determines how well you live. I know this from 50 years of study.

 

Gregg: 

The subtitle of your new book, the fourth edition of The Power of Purpose, is “To Grow and to Give for Life.” I’m a big believer in growing and learning and developing. I’m just all in for that. It’s changed my life. It fills me with energy and inspiration.

And I see in you, Richard, an example of that. Here you are not “adjourning.” You’re not only giving but also growing. You’re learning, you’re writing new books, you’re updating your thinking, you’re talking to people. And I see the life it brings to you.

So, I just want to honor you, and thank you for that, for the impact you’re having on people, including deeply on me. Is there anything else you want to say about this?

 

Richard: 

What does growing really mean? Growing means curiosity, being curious about self, about others, about the world, and not just knowing.

As people age, they want to remain relevant, even though they don’t know how to say that. And they want to be visible. They want to have a voice in matters. And that comes not just from age or position or role. It comes from curiosity.

The founder of TED, Richard Saul Wurman, said that the core of TED is curiosity. It was founded based on, What are you really curious about? What do you want to know more about? What do you want to connect with? I think choice, curiosity, courage: those are the three Cs that represent what we’ve talked about here today.

Choice: What are your choices?
Curiosity: What are you curious about?
Courage: What are you courageous enough to make a move on?

* Video conversation between Gregg Vanourek and Richard Leider via Zoom, recorded, transcribed by Otter.ai, and then edited by Gregg.

Gregg Vanourek & Richard Leider

Gregg Vanourek is a writer, teacher, and TEDx speaker on personal development and leadership. He is co-author of three books, including LIFE Entrepreneurs: Ordinary People Creating Extraordinary Lives (a manifesto for living with purpose and passion) and Triple Crown Leadership: Building Excellent, Ethical, and Enduring Organizations (a winner of the International Book Awards). Check out his Best Articles or get his monthly newsletter.

Richard Leider is an internationally best-selling author, coach, and keynote speaker who’s widely viewed as a thought leader of the global purpose movement. His work is featured regularly in many media sources, including PBS and NPR. He is the founder of Inventure—The Purpose Company, a firm created to guide people to live, work, and lead on purpose.

 

Gregg’s Tools for You

Passion Probe

Our passions are the things that consume us with palpable emotion over time. We love doing them and talk about them often. Take this self-assessment to find the ones that resonate most with you.

Find Your Passion

 

Related Articles & Books

 

Postscript: Inspirations on Purposeful Aging

  • “Retire from your job but never from meaningful projects. If you want to live a long life, you need eustress, that is, a deep sense of meaning and of contribution to worthy projects and causes, particularly, your intergenerational family.” -Stephen R. Covey, educator and author
  • “Age has given me what I was looking for my entire life. It has given me me.” -Anne Lamott, writer
  • “Here’s a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you’re alive, it isn’t.” -Richard Bach, writer
  • “Aging is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been.” -David Bowie, musician
  • “The old … should… have their physical labors reduced; their mental activities should be actually increased. They should endeavor, too, by means of their counsel and practical wisdom to be of as much service as possible to their friends and to the young, and above all to the state.” -Marcus Tullius Cicero, Roman philosopher and statesman
  • “There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.” -Zora Neale Hurston, author, anthropologist, and filmmaker
  • “Age puzzles me. I thought it was a quiet time. My seventies were interesting and fairly serene, but my eighties are passionate. I grow more intense as I age…. To my own surprise I burst out with hot conviction.” -Florida Scott-Maxwell, Jungian analyst

“Wholly unprepared, they embark upon the second half of life…. But we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning; for what was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie.”
-Carl Gustav Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst

Gregg Vanourek’s Newsletter

Join our rapidly growing community. Sign up now and get monthly inspirations (new articles, opportunities, and resources). Welcome!

Sign Up Now